The Dark Pig

A Surprise Party for Jesus

2006-09-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

Hey Piglets,

I know it's been a long while... and some of you are probably going to give me the silent treatment. I just haven't had anything to say... until now.

I work for a company who does things a little differently. Many companies use the November/December holiday season as an excuse to have a big Christmas party. Lately, they've been calling them year-end parties or holiday gatherings but we all know it's a Christmas party. Sorry Jews your savior hasn't been born yet and the Muslims didn't successfully commandeer a winter solstice from the pagans to celebrate the birth of Mohammad. It's not a slight against your religion; it's just that the excuse for the party is based on a virgin and her baby. Fucked if I know how a virgin had a baby -- I'm not a doctor.

This year, my company is having our year-end celebration tonight (September 16) or as I like to call it; A Surprise Party for Jesus.

[Jesus wanders into a dark room]
God: Let there be light!
Large Crowd: Surprise.
Jesus: Holy shit! You guys. What's all this for?
Large Crowd: Haaa-py birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
Jesus: What the holy hell, my birthday isn't until December.
God: Son, your 2006. We know you'd never expect this in September.
Jesus: You know I hate surprise parties. That last one really didn't work out so well.

The last time Jesus had a surprise party, 12 of his friends sprung for a big meal and hired a painter. (They didn't have camera phones 2000 years ago).

Hostess: Jesus, party of 13.
Judas: I am gonna' get trashed and kiss Jesus on the mouth.
Paul: I fuckin' dare you.

Long story short, 13 guys get pissed on free "water" and Jesus ends up in the drunk tank and is nailed to a cross.

This time we hope our little surprise party goes a little better. The company is supplying free taxis for everyone to ensure we get home safe this time.

Consumerism... Fuck, Yeah!

2006-08-26T05:04:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I love stuff. In the last seven days I've bought a CD (Joel Plaskett Emergency, La De Da, A DVD (Sarah Silverman, Jesus is Magic) and most recently a graphic novel (Will Eisner, A contract with God.

Whoever says things don't make you happy is a liar -- and I'll fight you if you disagree. All these things have made me very happy. The Cannibal and I can sit around, drink beer (another tasty consumer good) listen to Plaskett kick ass on the Hi-fi and watch Sarah make fun of the Chinese -- don't worry she makes fun of blacks, jews and Puerto Ricans too. Luckily I'm a white, non-denominational male and am sparred her wrath. I guess I'll just have to live with being dead inside, while buying into a bourgeois culture... fuck, yeah!

Next week, look forward to me buying Lost Girls by Alan Moore. It's a porno shielded behind the friendly veil of a comic book. It comes out on Wednesday, but I'm savvy, bourgois, consumer driven, porno hungry, white guy. I'll order it online to save 30%.

"What the cock is that shit?"
- Sarah Silverman

fin

Exploring My Inner Bigot

2006-08-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I have bigot inside me just screaming to say something, but luckily I've been properly trained by society not make racist comments at inappropriate times.

I first recognized this urge a few weeks ago.

Me: What did you do this weekend?

East Indian Guy: I went camping with the kids.

Me: Sounds fun.

My Brain: Brown skinned people don't camp, unless they're in a refugee camp.

See, in my head East Indians don't camp 'cause I've never seen it unless it's a news story on tent city in a third-world country. This, of course, is fucking stupid of me -- but it was my first thought. The East Indian fella' in question has an English accent, so camping is still a culture shock, but only because British people only drink tea, eat scones and start soccer riots and don't know what to do in the bush.

Another stupid thought hit me today. An Asian guy took a drink from something he'd never tried.

Asian Guy: That's delicious.

Me: [silence]

My head: Ah so, de-ri-sh-us.

That last one's a lie... but it certainly proves I have an inner bigot. The Asian guy did say "delicious" though, but with a perfectly honed, third-generation Canadian accent. Shit, he can even play hockey -- which is something I can't do -- who's the Canadian in that picture. However, nobody says delicious anymore, unless you're marketing a new product. What the hell.

Me: Try this.

Cannibal: That's delicious.

Me: Fag.

Cannibal: I mean... that's fuckin' good.

Me: You're still a fag.

Summary: I'm a bigot, nobody uses the word delicious anymore, the Cannibal is a fag. I'll try to be a better person in the future.

Happy Anniversary

2006-08-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Mrs. Dark Pig and I just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary... and we've never had a fight. Except for when I'm being a "dumb ass"... or when her sister's being a "bitch"... or I won't "pull my head out of my ass"... or when she "just won't shut-the-fuck-up". Ah bliss.

I am, of course, kidding. We fight -- when I was little my mom called them disagreements.

Little Dark Pig: Are you and Daddy fighting?

Mom: We're having a disagreement.

Little Dark Pig: Can I have some money?

Mom: Here, go play with your friends.

Our disagreements have been few and far between and they are generally the type had by the upper-middle class.

I notice she hasn't spoken to me for, like, two days

I ask why

She says nothing

I go hang out with a friend

Still no talking

I ask why

She tells me

I disagree

She cries

I get angry and go see a friend

But this has only happened about three times, which is pretty good for five years. Although, there were a few good "disagreements" before we got married.

It's been a good five years. We met as adults. I didn't think we'd grow-up together, but it feels that way. Think about the person you were five years ago and how your outlook on life has changed and how you deal with things. Long story short, I still feel like I'm my on person but I'm a better person for being with her.

So there you have it... five years of marriage in 300 words or less.

The Price of Edible Oil Products

2006-08-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I was eatin' desert and was about to put whipped "topping" on my apple crisp, when I started wondering... how come the price of gas has more than doubled, but I can still get a can of an edibile oil product for the same price as I always have. Sooner or later I figured the price of real whipped cream would be the same price as a can of the no-name shit we normally buy... but no. The price of dairy is still higher than the price of edibile oil. What the hell?

The next war we have should be over the price of milk products. I like cheese. I have two choices when I buy... tasty, tasty herbivore-based cheese or shitty, makes you sick oil-based cheese. War for Cheese... watch [sic] it Switizerland... we're gonna' kick your ass and steal your cows. (And maybe Swiss Miss -- she's a peach)

Anyway, if anyone can tell me why plastic shit I buy at Wal Mart keeps gettin' cheaper and the price of gas keeps gettin' higher I'd appreciate it.

Thanks,
Pig

Dear Art Fag

2006-07-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

You are the first to read my open letter to Internet poets.

Dear Art Fag,

cold black
like the frost bitten testicle that has grown rancid over time
shhh...
cold
shhh...
hickory dickory dock
time ends
why

Fuck you Art Fag. Just 'cause I think you write pretentious shit doesn't mean I'm wrong.

I know, you can't afford an apartment, you freeze your dick off and now you can't fuck.

[sfx one man clapping in back of the theatre]

Regards,
The Dark Pig

You see piglets somehow the Internet has become a personal publishing ground for people less cool than my readers -- and fellow writers. Someone taught art fags to use computers and now the Internet is littered with bad poetry. This wouldn't be so bad if there weren't so many sensitive fucks supporting this shit.

Sensitive fuck: Golly Dolphin143... that was incredible.

Dolphin143: Thanks, it comes from the pain within me.

God dammit geeks... I remember a time when we would have flamed a fucker like dolphin143. Now, he'd call his ISP on us and we'd be the one's in trouble. Well it's time to take back the Internet.

The next time you have a minute, I want everyone to go get kicked out of a Christian chat room for being too horny ('cause the Internet is for porn) and visit an online poetry site and misinterpret something on purpose, but intelligently, and see how many people fall for it.

Fuck you Art Fag. Get off my Internet.

Child Friendly

2006-07-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Piglets: Holy shit! He's back. Everyone gather 'round. I bet he's got one hell of good yarn to spin.

Dark Pig: Nope... just been lazy.

Piglets: Aw... Fak!

So, I'd ramble on about the weekend with the boys a few weeks ago, but it seems like old news now, so I guess I'll skip it. Sorry, there was some good stuff -- but too many days have passed.

Anyway, since then I was on another camping trip. I went with Mrs. Dark Pig and some friends. We're at the age now that our friends have kids. We have a dog. It's not the same. Camping with a dog is something like this. Tie dog to tree, get drunk, roast hots dogs, throw a few hot dogs to actual dog-- everyone is happy.

With kids it's all, like:

you wanna' beer?

Nope, I gotta' breast feed.

C'mon Greg, you can have one.

(in distance)
WAAAA! I just ate a rock and now my teeth hurt.

Long story short, I had a good time -- but it ain't like with "the boys".

And another thing, the Urban Cannibal got me hooked on premium beers. I used to be happy drinking fucking Coors Light. I knew it was shit, but I just didn't drink the good stuff on purpose so I wouldn't know any better. Over the last few months he slowly poinsoned my pallette with the expensive shit. I brought Coors Light camping 'cause Mrs. Dark Pig likes it, anyway I learned something about myself. I don't. I still drank it -- but I didn't like it.

You're Gonna' Die Soon

2006-07-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,
I'm off with the boys this weekend... so no blog for you.

I'll leave you with this: You're Gonna' Die Soon

Purgatory Calculator

2006-06-30T01:17:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

We got into a religious conversation at work the other day and it got me thinkin’ of stuff other than hand jobs. It wasn’t all, like, my god’s better than your god, or I loooove church, just a general conversation about religion and the roots of Catholicism. It’s not as weird as you think ‘cause one of the guys has degree in Jesus or something – not all preachy, just educated.

Cutting to the chase, I got to thinking about sin and purgatory and how little I would want to have sex with my neighbor’s wife – she’s in her sixties. I also thought how surprised I was that I couldn’t find a purgatory calculator on the Internet. I’m aware of Dante’s inferno test, but I cannot find anything that tells me how I can buy my way out of Purgatory. If I were all churchy and junk then I could put some money on a plate and say some Hail Mary’s and that’d be that, but how do the people know how much to give.

In the 1600s I’m sure a priest would say gimme’ a dollar and I’ll absolve your sin of trying to touch that girls boob with your elbow when you were 14. How much would that same absolution cost now? How about when I retire? Does God deal with inflation? Should sin cost more in 2006 A.D. than it did in 432 A.D.?

Anyway the Internet has already informed me that there is no way in hell that I can save enough to retire or buy my home in a few easy payments, but it can’t tell me how much I need to give to stay out of purgatory in today’s dollars?

Sample Calculator:

How many years until you die?

Current value of your sin:

Monthly sin contribution:

Will you attempt to absolve your sin through confession before death?
*if no a 2.8% per annum increase on the value of your sin will be applied

SUBMIT

You must give 1,000,000,000.00 to remain out of purgatory assuming you are lucky enough to live as long as you think.

The Dirtiest Place on Earth

2006-06-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I was in Southern Ontario for the last week or so and I've discovered the people in Ontario love cocks. Now, I thought with all the hand job posts and what not I might be infatuated too much with the groinal area... turns out I'm not alone.

I realized Ontario had a penis infatuation when we drove through the town of Dorking. When we were kids we'd call people dorks, alluding to the fact that they were dicks or cocks. Dork, dick and cock have until this point never been used as a verb.

Cannibal: I was dorking this chick and she was lovin' it. After I finished, she asked me to give her a foot rub. This me feel like the relationship was getting too serious.

Maybe you think I'm reading too much into this whole thing. If that's what your thinking then you are a fag... and also incorrect. Not long after driving through Dorking and continually trying to work the word dorking into conversation, the wife and I drove past a sign that confirmed my suspicions. I know you wouldn't believe me if I said someone drew a weiner, gave it feet that could also pass for tiny balls... 'cause small potatoes make the steak look bigger. Ayway, the picture in question is posted to your right.

The rules of rhythm dicktate[sic] that I need three things to prove a point. So here it is... the people of Ontario teach their wild animals to lick thier nuts. This wouldn't be so crazy if it were a dog or cat... 'cause that's what I expect from dogs and cats -- but deer and and cows and stuff licking their nuts is new to me. Once again, look to your right.

Long story short... do you know how I know Ontario's gay... towns called Dorking, giant weiner signs and nut licking antelope.

Things that are not gay about Ontario... there is no PST (Provincial Sales Tax) on Blow Jobs on Father's day. No shit. We drove past a green house and in big, bold letters there was a sign that said, "Father's Day. No PST on Hed[sic]." They were still working on the sign, so it could have been hedges.

Me: How do you tell your dad you pre-purchased a blow job for him from the green house?

Mrs. Dark Pig: I dunno', maybe you could give him a gift certificate.

I'm off...

2006-06-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I'm off to Ontario for a short holiday and visit with the in-laws. I'll have access to the net, but I won't be blogging as my mother-in-law's computer is located in the living room. I'm not sure I want the grown-ups to know about my alter ego.

I'm also not sure how well my string of profanities will go over. I imagine it would go something like this.

SFX TYPING

Mother-in-law (reading over my shoulder): Oh, camel-toes. They're cute. Your father-in-law and I saw a giraffe at the zoo. They have hooves. You should write about giraffe hooves.

Dark Pig: Good idea

Mother-in-law (reading over my shoulder): You seem to want a job that involves working with your hands. Why don't you quit the office job and take up a trade.

Dark Pig: Not a bad idea.

Mother-in-law(reading over my shoulder): Ass fucking? Oprah smoked crack and I don't think she ever did that.

Dark Pig: Uh, maybe we should go for lunch. I don't really want to talk about Oprah.

Anyway, to avoid talking about Oprah, I'll be bloggless for about 10 days. The trip will be fun -- but I don't see a lot of room for writing about camel toes, hand jobs or ass fucking.

If I get a chance I'll write something nice about Santa Claus and a Unicorn.

Until then, Canadians might want to read Spanky rant about the Oilers for the remainder of the NHL playoffs. He's in the heart of it... so I imagine he'll be pissed off about every second game as the Oilers win won then lose one (or vice versa). Not to mention he may even rate some of the titties avaialble on bluemile.ca.

The Urban Cannibal is sure to amuse with his tales of suburban love.

Cannibal: Do you like the Smurfs?

Unsuspecting Tart: I loved the Smurfs.

Cannibal: Can I have a hand job?

Unsuspecting Tart: No.

Cannibal: But we both like the Smurfs.

Unsuspecting Tart: Good point. Yes, you may have a hand job.

You get what you pay for...

2006-06-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Some of you may remember the Government Handjob I alluded to back in April. For those of you who don't remember, doctors feel your balls for free in Canada.

Anyway, I finally had my appointment. It took a month from the time I booked it -- which I think is pretty quick considering a stranger was going to feel my balls for free. Overall, it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be and not as good as I hoped. I guess the ball handling doesn't include a release.

I arrived at my ball handling appointment a few minutes early. Some people call it a physical, but we all know why we really go. Have I said ball handling yet?

Back on topic, the receptionist calls my name and I enter the confines of the office; I am weighed, then measured. The assistant, or nurse or whoever, leads me to a little room where I am handed a blue robe thingy that opens at the back. I am told to strip and put on the little robe thingy. The doctor will be right with me... boo ya, she's trying to tease me.

I quickly strip, put on the dressing gown and hop up on the exam table. I wait... I read the posters about not eating too much cheese or drinking with Cannibals. I decided to ignore the posters. I notice a little, rock, water feature beside the sink. The trickle makes me want to pee. Just as I get the urge to piss my doctor walks in. She's an average looking chick, about my age. She plugs in her MAC (elitist bitch)and asks me all sorts of questions, like how are you, do you still blah, blah. How's your wife. Like she remembers our last visit, even though she's reading everything off he iBook.

Once the formalities are done it's time to get down to business. She looks in my ears, blinds me with a little light (I guess she wants to be in control -- oh yeah). She hits my knee with a cute little hammer... kinky bitch. Then, she tells me to lie down. She rubs my chest, then listens to my heart. Buh, bump, buh, bump.

Sorry baby my heart belongs to only one woman... when are you gonna' feel my balls.

She pushes on my stomach. I had a big breakfast, so I strain to hold in a fart. Then she starts to talk.

A little small talk, I see where this is going.

"Men at your age aren't really at risk for..." something about sticking a finger in my ass. Phew. (long pause) "Butt [sic] men your age should be checked for testicular cancer."

She snaps on a glove. What if she thinks I'm small. Or too hairy. Or I get a boner. That seems inappropriate.

Then, she grabs my nuts. She rolls them around in her hand... and that's it.

And, as with this blog... there was no climax. You get what you pay for.

Anyway, I might have high blood pressure, but I have to go back in a month to double check 'cause I drank too much coffee before I arrived.

Fuck You Hippy!!

2006-05-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

Hello Pigelts,

To the hippy who thinks I reak of the middle-class.

So, I'm seriously considering getting a tatto of Mickey Mouse bench pressing the Golden Arches. I've become everything Nirvana taught me to hate. I now listen to anti-corportate Rock N' Roll on the bitchin' factory stereo system in my SUV as I drive to my Golf Lessons and happily pay $1 a litre for gas. That's like 4 bucks a gallon for the American readers.

I drive to work the next moring in our second vehicle -- a Saturn -- listening to alternative college rock, which is now used to sell cars (Hey Breeders, I would have sold out too). I see guys in the hall and say shit like "How 'bout that local sports team? You gonna' watch the big game? I'm throwin' together night of Texas Hold 'Em, wanna' play?"

You know what I like about all this, it's fuckin' cool. I used to be poor. Living on my own, on 8 bucks an hour kinda' of poor, no money left after the rent and food was bought kinda' poor. I checked the government website on my high-speed connection and found out that I was livin' below the poverty line. I didn't have high-speed Internet when I was poor... I had tv, no cable.

Make fun of what I am if you wish. I'll shed a tear on my way to the liquor store and buy a case of decent beer while you decide what kind of no-name swill will help you forget you really are a dirty hippy.

Best of all, your girlfriend is leaving you to go sleep with the Urban Cannibal who is also a corporate whore -- although I'm not sure he'd tell you that until after he bagged your girlfriend doggy style while resting his XBOX 360 controller on her back... "boo ya' look at his online ranking". (She didn't leave to sleep with me for two reasons: 1. I'm married 2. No amount of money or name-brand beer will make me attractive to the ladies.)

Long story short, I may hate the corporate politics, but I have no urge to go back to working in a restaurant and bitchin' about "the man". If I do, I'm gonna' enjoy my time among the middle-class.

Fuck you hippy!

Member is Another Word for Penis

2006-05-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Over ther years I've been invited to join all kinds of clubs and organizations. My only obligation to be a member of these clubs is to give up the privacy of my phone number for some data base and to carry a plastic card in my wallet in order to take advantage of exclusive deals -- just for members.

I'm a little shocked by the number of people with MBAs who have been knighted with the responsibility to be the Manager of Loyalty and Customer Retention. These guys are getting paid six fugures to come up with wicked ideas like club cards.

Manager of Loyalty and Customer Retention: I think what people need is another fucking piece of plastic littering their wallet. We can artificially raise our prices, then reward our club members with what the prices should have been in the first place.

CEO: Excellent idea Johnson.

(I called our guy Johnson 'cause Johnson is another word for penis -- if it's fun for you, pretend his first name is Richard)

Anyway, I guess the thing that shocks me about all this is how seriously the employees take the club card programs. I was at a clothing store today and noticed an application to join their little club.

The cashier asked, "Do you want to join?"

I said, "Gee whiz, an application; what if I'm not accepted?"

The cashier stared at me blankly. Then said, "It's free."

I said, "I know, but the application makes me nervous. What if I'm not qualified?"

More blank stares.

My wife paid for her shit and we left.

Long story short, clubs used to be exclusive. Even when I was seven we'd have rules like NO GIRLS ALLOWED. Now any dick can be a member of any club and I don't like it. Even the Catholic Church asks if you accept Jesus Christ to be your savior. Say yes and you're in. But to get reward points at Eddie Bauer you just need to be able to sign your name.

Sorry club card people, the type of people you're letting join makes me ill. Card carrying members of the KKK can also get 3.5 cents of gasoline - if they're willing to join the Gas stations club as well. I say, "fuck that." Members of the KKK should not be allowed to save on gas from stations that are owned by a minority.

The next time someone wants you to join their club, remember: Member is just another word for penis.

(I did enjoy the four bucks I saved on a case of beer the other day though -- that's a cool club.)

...
...
Key word update: This is how people are finding the dark pig (my reporting system only holds the last five searches now)

05/19/06 12:05:16 female doctor checking my penis (Yahoo)
05/17/06 20:08:19 pig fucking (Yahoo)
05/16/06 06:29:54 olympic camel toe (Yahoo)
05/13/06 20:52:55 PIG PEN VIDEO GAME (MSN)
05/13/06 18:51:42 pig fucking (MSN)

Dall-ass

2006-05-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Well, I'm back. Sorry about the title... this post has very little to do with ass and lots to do with Mexicans.

I flew into Dallas last Sunday and I found the restaurant culture there to be very odd. On the way from the airport to the hotel I stopped at an I-Hop and ordered an omelet that was cooked and served by Mexicans. Quite a novelty for a Canadian who has only ever seen a Mexican in Mexico, the U.S. and once managing a Taco Bell in Lethbridge, Alberta (Canada's Bible Belt) -- no, I'm not being racist, it's just a weird fact.

Anyway, I guess a Mexican working at I-Hop isn't that strange, but I went to a touristy Mexican restaurant that night and it was completely staffed by whitey. What the fuck were Greg and Cindy doing cooking my tacos while Poncho fried up my omelet? I want Poncho making the taco and Cindy serving the omelet. Is that too much to ask?

A few days later, a local guy took us to another Mexican restaurant staffed by actual Mexicans. Fucken' eh! The food was good and the free-pour, $2 margaritas got me a buzz on. The weird thing about this place is it was packed with tiny, hot, blonde girls who were bingeing on burritos. It was the weirdest thing. I just don't think of a 100 pound cheerleader eating refried beans, cocking her leg and ripping off a fart before deciding to go out to the club to dance. Guys are generally willing to rip themselves a new asshole for a decent fajita and a $2 mojito, but the chicks I've known have always been unwilling to submit to a ring of fire around their asshole just for some tasty enchiladas.

Lastly, I spent a few evenings on a roof-top drinking these crazy grape and lemonade slurpees spiked with, I’m not shitting you, 190 proof grain alcohol, cut with rum. They didn’t come in a fancy glass either, just a 20 OZ plastic cup and $10 price tag to get your buzz on in a single drink.

Oh yeah, I went to go check out where Kennedy was shot, to see how possible all the theories are re: grassy knoll, library etc… The only thing that really shocked me was the black ‘X’ marked in tar in the middle of the street to let you know where the fatal shot hit him – classy,

That, my piglets, was Dallas.

Naked Terminator
190 proof Grain alcohol, Lemonade, Rum and Fresh Grape.

The other magic bullet... or things to do in Dallas when yer' dead

2006-05-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Well the Cannibal has been busy blogging and its made me feel guilt about ignoring my little place in the world. To be fair I haven't had much inspiration that I'd want the people who read this to kow about. I don't have the balls to put my soul out for the web to read... and I really like shit jokes.

On with the blog...

I'm off to Dallas, Texas tomorrow morning. It looks like all the Magic Bullet blogging -- (part 2) has lead me to the place of another Magic Bullet... JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say.

I'll be at the American Society for Training and Development (A - STD) Tradeshow. The biggest problem I have is I can't say A-STD without giggling a little, which hasn't gone over well in my meetings at work. Apparently I'm supposed to be an adult... stupid human resources.

Anyway, I really got nothin', but I'm hopin' for some actual content upon my return.

Government Handjob

2006-04-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

God bless the Canadian medical system. I decided it was time I found myself a regular doctor. This week I went to a meet and greet. In Canada, doctor's like to meet you before taking you on as a patient, then they send a bill to the government for asking you personal questions such as, do you have any trouble urinating?

Anyway, to get a doctor in my town is no small feat. Doctor's are busy and their practices are full. When I heard a doctor was taking new patients I called immediately.

The meeting started well enough. A young female doctor walked into the room carrying a MAC laptop. I'm not a MAC fan myself, but it did tell me she likely preferred Starbucks coffee and drove a Passat. That's what MAC people do.

She asked me all the regular stuff... allergies, family medical history, do I have any problems etc...

Then, the mood changed. It was if the lights dimmed and some black man with deep voice started to sing sexy tunes. Her voice lowered a bit and she said, "You’re too young to start checking for rectal cancer. Did you know men your age should be checked for..." her eyes looked to her keyboard, "...Testicular Cancer"?

I don't want to joke about testicular cancer, but she's a doctor... shouldn't she be able to say it?

Anyway, I'll be booking a physical as soon as I can because it felt like I was being offered a hand job. Thanks to the Canadian Medical system... the government is going to pay for it. Best of all, she might shove a digit in my rectum for my 40th birthday.

The High School Choral Club

2006-04-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

This blog is going to take a little effort on your part.

Piglets: AWWW! Pig. Go fuck yourself. I don't want to work. Tell me more about the poops you take.

Me: No, you will watch the movie in the following link, then you will read my cruel, but fair interpretation of the Choral Club.

Piglets: (sulking) Fine.

So, watch this choral club do various Nintendo themes a cappella. http://gprime.net/video.php/nintendothemesacappella

The Review:
When I first found this link I thought "This is gonna' be fucking great." Then about one minute in, I started judging all the people in the club. I discovered everything I already new about the Choral club was true.

The first thing is, the girls are all hot but have one thing about their face or body image that causes them to have a low self esteem. Examples include, hook nose, nice rack but giant ass, mole on their lip that will actually be sexy when they are in college and they know how to show confidence, large hands -- or was that Thailand... come to think of it I remember an adam's apple?

More stuff about the girls, one is actually truly hot but doesn't put out, the most popular guy in school is actually dating her for the prom picture, but nailing a bunch of slutty pot heads on the side. And finally, a few girls have problems at home. They're not sexy enough or socially adept enough to get into a popular clique, so they bang whoever is willing -- they will need therapy when they are older.

Now for the boys, this is easy... all but three are gay. Then there's hyper skinny guy who's parents don't want to put on ritalin. Ritalin would mean he wouldn't be such a freak and he might be able to hold onto friends -- this kid won't have sex until his thrid-year of college and it will be with a fat girl at a party... he will never learn her last name.

Fat, red-headed guy who thinks he's muscular, even though he's never lifted anything than a sandwich. This guy is actually quite funny and has had sex with one of the girls in the Choral Club after they both stole a beer from her dad. She asked him not to tell anyone, but he alluded to it in a blog anyway.

The only other guy who isn't gay, is just really horny and knows the girls on the sports teams are out of his league -- he's not pretty or funny -- he also can't sing very well, but he's aware high school girls just really want to say they have boy friend. He gets dumped a lot, but he's gotten the second base with 60% of the club and nailed three of them... one of them was really pretty and had just been dumped by a much cooler guy.

That, my piglets, is an inside look at the High School Choral Club.

Here's a much funnier video as a reward http://gprime.net/video/iwanttopoopbackandforth/

Eating Shit

2006-03-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I went to the bathroom at work yesterday and some poor sap was in their flossing his teeth. I went into the stall to take a shit and let out a giant fart. Feces rushed from my colon to the water below.

Guy Flossing: Holy crap, flush or something. That stinks!

Me: Ha, Ha. You're flossing.

Guy Floosing: Fuck, gross.

Me: You're mouth is open! How's that taste.

Guy Flossing: Shit, give me a minute.

Me: Here's what I'll give you... (GRUNT)

PLOP

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk		75%
The Flash		65%
Green Lantern		60%
Superman		55%
Iron Man		55%
Spider-Man		50%
Robin		50%
Catwoman		50%
Supergirl		43%
Wonder Woman		38%
Batman		35%

You are a wanderer with
amazing strength.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

A Cannibalistic Executive

2006-03-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

There's been a disturbing trend around Ye' Olde Office over the last 15 months. Frankly, I'm surprised it took an observant guy like me this long to figure it out.

It appears the "Executive" are eating middle-management. I don't have any video of what I am about to explain, but the trend that's occurring does provide some very strong circumstantial evidence.

I was hired about 15 months ago by a friendly, go getter. She was little overweight, but still healthy. The kinda' girl who just wanted to lose those last five or ten pounds, much like every other woman in North America. She had nothing to be ashamed of and would still be considered a good find in the open dating market. She likely tries a variety of diets along with spurratic sessions at the health club to keep herself healthy. I don't think she ate anything more than a few too many greasy corporate lunches.

Directly under the manager worked a male team lead who constantly ran back and forth to her office for direction. He was hyper, but seemed harmless.

Three months later the manager suddenly resigned.

A new woman was hired as a director to fill the friendly manager's position. For those of you who don't live in cubicle hell, a director is considered to be a higher rank than manager in the corporate world.

The new director had a friendly face and was capable of laughter. She was very likable. She was a little heavier than the old manager and whenever she walked by I could smell her perfume, layered by the perfume of the old manager.

The team lead was quickly promoted to manager and constantly ran back and forth to the director's office for direction. He was hyper, but seemed harmless.

One of the employees, a red-headed witch -- more like the Good Witch of the North than the Wicked Witch of the West -- stated that the new director had the capacity for cruelty and she had seen the face of evil in action. The good, red-head witch soon moved away -- did she really move away? Had she seen too much?

Soon, a vice-president was hired and she looked hungry -- she was larger than the director. Power was stripped from the evil director and she soon disappeared.

The old team lead, now a manger was given the director's office. He constantly runs back and forth to the vice-president's office for direction. He is hyper, but seems harmless.

Summary: I think the hyper, but harmless team-lead (now manager) is slaying the middle-managers and offering them as food to the executive. His offerings are accepted and he is rewarded with corporate titles and offices. There doesn't seem to be any other reasonable explanation for the occurrences.

Bloody Stool

2006-03-08T18:46:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I was takin' a piss at work today and I saw something I hope never to see again. Let's start from the beginning.

Pressure began to exert itself on my bladder -- a bladder that is insignificant when compared to that of a real man -- so I decided to head to the little boys room. The Stinkiest Place on Earth (TM).

I did my business at the urinal and got the feeling I wasn't alone. There was someone in one of the stalls praying for salvation. Proper etiquette states, always wash your hands if there's a chance someone might catch you not washing them. So, like, one out of every three times I was my hands.

As I dry my hands (the paper towels are right beside the toilet stalls), the stall door opens and the occupant remains inside. He turns, looks at his business, flushes and walks to the sink. I was very close, maybe too close, to the flushing toilet and caught a glimpse of his bloody stool.

Here's my conundrum. This guy is sick. There's blood in his poop. The company doctor works Wednesdays, do I rat him out stating he likely has the flesh eating disease and needs help?

We also have a health a safety team, do I request they make a poster stating you should flush before opening the stall door?

Is it OK to look at another man's feces? I really didn't mean too. Does it mean I'm gay?

I'm confused and scared.

The 20-Minute Hummer

2006-02-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I was out with the Cannibal and Skaank and we got to talkin' about blow jobs. To be fair, Skaank was a little uncomfortable the entire time, but she was at the table so she was technically part of the conversation -- even if her only addition was I looove given' hummers, or maybe she said do you want me to leave.

The Cannibal told me a story about a girl who gave a guy a 20-minute blow job during a Christmas party, while waiting in line at the bar. I'm thinking 20-minutes. They need another bartender. Then I thought 20-minutes. I can't handle a hummer for a minute before blowing my load. What can I say, blow jobs make me blow my wad really fast. Then I thought, 20-minutes -- that's fucking unnatural. I think someone's exaggerating a bit.

Stay silent and watch a clock for an entire minute.... I'll wait

...
...
...
...

OK. Multiply that by 20. I think I'd get bored, and I really like getting my dink sucked. I'm not saying a 20-minute hummer is impossible, I just think that the girl is either terrible at giving head, ugly or the guy already had sex four times that day -- or possibly he was really hammered. If any of these things are true, I'd still get bored after 20 minutes. I'd want to switch it up a bit, go down on her, play with here titties, make sweet gentle love, stick my finger in her butt... something to kill the monotony of the 20-minute blow job.

Maybe I'm crazy, but shouldn't you do other things, switch positions, talk (just kidding).

What the hell were the people in line thinking?

Ed: Can I go next?

Mary: Slut. She has crooked teeth.

Earl: I think I came in my pants.

Susan: Fuck, does that guy ever need a razor.

Guy getting blow job: Fuck this bartender's slow.

Girl Giving Blow Job: I'dlubAnubberDrink

Long story short, If I'm gonna get a 20-minute hummer, I would like it after I get my drink from the bar or in front of the TV.

I checked with a girl from work and she told me how she can get bored if she does the same shit too long... so I know it's not just me.

So what's a normal amount of time for a blow-job?

PS: People love camel toes.
Top 25 Keywords for the dark pig:
olympic camel toe (Yahoo)32
olympic CAMEL TOE (MSN)6
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olympic cameltoe (Yahoo)2
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pig fuck (MSN)2
winter olympic "camel toe" (Yahoo)1
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giant asses (MSN)1
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"camel toe" female "speed skating" photo (Google)1
pig buying (MSN)1

US Women's Curlers Made My Penis Move a Little

2006-02-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I'm addicted to the Olympics... for good reason. This is team USA's Women's Curling team. They are hot. When I was just a wee piglet, curling was a sport for fat old drinking buddies. The curling rink was a place to go to get away from yer' wife. If a woman was in the rink she was serving drinks or a big fat lesbian... not the double luge kind-of-lesbian, but the classic motorcycle kinda' of millitant dyke. Now we have this. And, this. Oh yeah, and this. One more...

I still want the Canadian girls to win... but man I want to see the American women in porn. Not the soft gentle girl porn either. I want them yellin' Hurry, Hurry Hard doing lesbian shit and fucking a broom stick.

Oh yeah, here's a sexy picture of Canadian Women's Hockey Player Cassie Campbell. Although, I don't know how I'd get a hummer with that thing on.

Oh, uh, sorry. I did it again. I devalued years of training and hard work and turned women into a piece of meat.

That's not my intent. I'm just horny, I guess.

Olympic chicks make my dink move.

Keyword Search Update: -- Hey people are finding me with Google... I finally made it.
02/17/06 19:16:19 speed skating skin suits erection (Google)
02/17/06 10:29:31 women's luge camel toe (Google)
02/17/06 10:13:47 today show brokeback mountain double luge (Google)
02/17/06 07:19:00 speedskating cameltoe (Google)
02/17/06 00:35:43 speedskating cameltoe (Google)
02/17/06 00:32:58 double luge (Google)
02/16/06 23:10:58 "women's double luge" (Google)
02/16/06 22:46:35 men's double luge gay (Google)
02/16/06 18:30:02 women luge camel (Google)
02/16/06 15:57:28 olympic speed skating camel-toe (Google)
02/16/06 12:22:49 speedskating +camel (Google)
02/16/06 09:02:26 pig (MSN)
02/16/06 07:56:43 pig fuck in woman (Yahoo)
02/16/06 02:59:57 speed skating women camel (Google)
02/16/06 02:59:38 speed skating women camel (Google)
02/16/06 01:42:04 "DOUBLE LUGE" speed (Google)
02/16/06 01:41:09 "DOUBLE LUGE" speed (Google)
02/16/06 01:39:50 "DOUBLE LUGE" speed (Google)
02/16/06 01:39:35 "DOUBLE LUGE" speed (Google)
02/15/06 09:07:34 luge cameltoe (Google)

The 2006 Winter Olympics - Is that his cock?

2006-02-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hello Pigelts,

It only happens every four years. A few solid days of staring at the TV watching men speed skating around in a circle, attempting to grab Olympic gold. Millions, glued to thier TV, are hoping to see less of the athlete's cock then the tight little suit allows.

The next paragraphs's for you Meagan.

While Speed Skating is the Olympic's answer to Gay porn. Women's luge is intorducing teenage boys everywhere to the Camel Toe. Women's double luge is teaching us lesbians aren't all millitant, army boot wearing feminazis.

Men's double luge is ripping into Brokeback Mountain at the box office. Not that terrible anal rip you'd expect. -- only the Cannibal will understand that last link.

If you listen carefully, everytime a man in a skin tight suit (possible events include Speed Skating, Luge, Downhill Skiing) is competing, someone, somewhere is saying... is that his cock?

Semiotics and the Fuck Me Tattoo

2006-02-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I think it's time we talked about semiotics and the messages we're sending. Don't worry, I'm not one to lecture.

Urban Cannibal: Fuck you pig. A rant's the same as a lecture... just louder and with foul language.

Dark Pig: 'Nuff said.

So, today's lecture is on semiotics and the Fuck Me tattoo. In case your too lazy to read the definition of semiotics, -- which I linked to above to make it fucking easy -- it basically means everything sends a communicative message; that message is defined by the culture in which we live. A red octagon to North Americans means stop. In China, it might mean kill all the female babies. It might not mean that. North Americans might think it means, steal me and hang me in your dorm room.

So, lots of girls have been getting tattoos across the small of their backs, you know the sweet little divot where porn stars blow their load, just above the start of the ass crack. This tattoo is sending a different messages to the people who see it. I did some solid reasearch and this is what your tattoo means.

To the girl with the tattoo: I am an empowered woman. I express my individuality through art.

To the guys in the office: She is a dirty slut and takes it in the ass. I wonder how I can get her alone in the mail room.

To girls hotter than the girl with the tattoo: How brave of her to get a tattoo there, even though her ass is much larger than mine.

To girls uglier than the girl with the tattoo: She is a dirty slut. She probably takes it in the ass. If she comes near my boyfirend I will stab her.

To old women: She is a dirty slut. I wish I thought of that when I was younger. Now that Hank is dead, I sure could use a good boning.

To old men: Holy crap. She takes it in the ass. I haven't given it to anyone in the ass since the French prostitute during WW II. Wow, an erection. Yippee! I am going to go spank my monkey.

Just a quick FYI, in case you didn't get the memo.

Feelin' Groovy

2006-01-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I feel better than I have in my entire life, and I think I better document it. 'Cause nothin' lasts forever. Anyone expecting jabbing comments about giant asses, stupid celebrities or the Urban Cannibal's inadequecies might want to check back again next week. Meagan, maybe I'll write about the camel toe I alluded to in my last blog. Right now I'm Feelin' Groovy.

You see, I'm doin' OK. I've never been a corporate climber, so I don't feel a huge internal drive to find validation from my job. I like my job, I'm good at it and it's secure - 'nuff said. I flirt with the girls at work -- even the ugly ones -- as a form of light dating; I've never been a closer and don't intend to be. I have every intention to come home to my wife -- who is also good at her job, although she occasionally requires validation; women tend to be that way. She looks better than she ever has 'cause she's happy and in pretty good shape. She makes me want to be a better man.

My life is full of things that interest me. I have a dog. I run. I blog. I collect comic books. I take university courses at night.

I have friends. One, who I've seen more in last few months than I did in the last few years. Two more who make a point of getting the boys together at least once a year, even though they have the responsibility of children -- they put our boy time somewhere on their priority list. Fuck you, it's not that Brokeback Mountain kinda' boy time. Cannibal, are you gonna' respond that e-mail. I forwarded it to you 'cause Steve asked me to and doesn't have your e-mail.

Once in a while, I get to travel -- last year I went Australia, California and New York. I ran a marathon two months ago.

Most recently, I have rediscovered music. The kind of love a teenager has when they discover their favorite band.

Urban Cannibal: Hey guys, I taped this for you.

That's it. I'm Feelin' Groovy. Not that shot of nicotine, kinda' ten minute groovy. Not that sleepy, I just blew my load groovy. Not that I hade too much sugar, temporary happiness groovy. But, that, I don't mind getting up today groovy.

....

...

OK, I can't help myself. Serena Williams needs to fire her publicist. Recently, an MSN search Led someone to The Dark Pig. This link should take you to the search string.. I'm the thrid one down

serena william hot photos (MSN) 01/25/06 16:36:15

Hey Ladies, Lookin' Good!

2006-01-25T18:13:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

This one's fer' the Piglettes. That's right ladies. This blogs fer' you.

I was walkin' through the office, staring at asses, and I noticed the start of a new fashion trend. Your drawers are drooping. There's a little pocket in yer' jeans, just below your sphincter ready to catch a fart - you bet I know where your sphincter is. Looks like Fart-Catchers are the new Hip-Huggers.

This can only mean one thing. Yer' ass is getting' smaller. The diet you committed to on January first is working and daddy's lookin' forward to all the new skimpy clothes you wear this summer.

Weigh [sic] to go ladies. Daddy like. Reward yourself. Go buy a new pair of jeans. Not too tight though. I don't want the next blog to be on the camel toe.

Evidence: First Human Clone Create July 17, 1952

2006-01-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Some of you are going to call this a conspiracy theory. You are all wrong, 'cause I have video evidence. So, go fuck yourselves if you don't believe me.

David Hasselhoff is the first human clone. He was cloned from the DNA of the infamous Canadian superstar William Shatner. It's a fact!

I have a ton of evidence ending with the video below.

1. Both "super" stars made two wildly popular television series that have nothing good to add to society. They are Baywatch and Nightrider for Mr. Hasselhoff and Star Trek and TJ Hooker for Mr. Shatner. Nothing else they've done before or after these shows will ever count. It's a fact.

2. People think David Hasselhoff is the most popular star in Germany. William Shatner is the most popular star in Germany. Read his biography. If you're too lazy to read the page I linked to, here's the quote from his biography. [William Shatner]The most popular TV-star in Germany, elected in on-line-voting by the spectators of the national TV-channel KabelEins. Appeared in the final TV-show (aired 10/19/2005) to receive the honor personally.. It's a fact.

3. William Shatner was born March 22, 1931. 1938 German scientist Hans Spemann proposes a "fantastical experiment" to transfer one cell's nucleus into an egg without a nucleus, the basic method that would eventually be used in cloning. 1944 Oswald Avery discovers genetic information is carried by the nucleic acids of cells. 1952 Briggs and King clone tadpoles. David Hasselhoff was born July 17, 1952. Check the history of cloning. It's a fact.

4. Here comes the video evidence. William Shatner became a parody of himself in 1978 with Rocket Man at age 47. David Hasselhoff officially became a parody of himself at age fifty with Hooked on a Feeling in 2002.

You can't argue Piglets, the evidence is too creepy. It's science.

Young Greasy Love

2006-01-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I was waiting in the drive through at Rotten Ronnies for my food to be delivered to me through the second window -- I'm not sure what that kid in the picture I've linked to is trying to touch, but the clown seems happy. It was taking a little longer than usual because getting good people to waste their Saturday working at a McDonalds for seven bucks an hour is no easy task. It was an unseasonably warm January afternoon; so my car window remained down while I waited, the drive-through window also remained open. All this gave me a portal into the conversations of the suburban fast-food worker -- not a group I would consider best-of-breed.

The Cannibal will attest to my past as The Grease Pig. I worked at an A & W during the recession in the early 90s... and I made the best of it. I ate free burgers, fries and felt up countless young girls in the walk-in cooler. I was also told I would never make supervisor with my attitude, a prophecy which has proven to be true. To be fair, who wants to manage someone making minimum wage. In my many jobs, I have never been required to supervise someone else -- although I likely make more money than many of my ex-managers.

Up until now, I thought the point of working at a fast food restaurant was to barely pay your bills and get as much tail as possible from girls who don't think they're gonna' do any better than an asshole like me. By the way girls, you were probably right -- I'm quite the prize pig.

Back to the present. Today I was listening to a pimple faced overweight teen talk to his female shift supervisor about movies. I thought, good for him, she's out of his league and likely won't date him after my much read post about dating within your pay grade, but at least he's attempting to get some juicy fast-food sex. It started with the standard "I want this chick to think I'm sensitive, so she's comfortable enough to lie down on my lap, then maybe she'll slip and accidentally blow me" line.

Pimply Faced Teen: I really want to see Memoirs of a Geisha.

Shift Supervisor: It's great. I saw it last night.

Things are going well for my boy. I love watching this fat fuck work. He's found common ground. Reel the bitch in.

Pimply Faced Teen: I'd also like to see The Producers.

Shift Supervisor: Really?

Uh, oh. The Producers is flopping. Your losing her. Try again, before it's too late.

Pimply Faced Teen: Another movie I'd like to see is Broke Back Mountain.

Shift Supervisor: Oh.

That's right piglets... my boy's is queer. He wasn't hitting on the supervisor. He was looking for a fag hag. The times, they are a' changin'. When I was 16 you'd never come out of the closet. And, you certainly didn't work at McDonalds just becuase you loved working around meat.

I don't get fucking get it. I don't have a problem with homos, see an earlier blog. But, I don't have any gay friends either -- we don't have a lot in common. I want to see King Kong, they want to see King Dong. I want to eat chicken wings and look forward to the ring of fire produced by my anus. They look forward to anus.

Summary: I don't understand homosexuals. I like girls. Homosexuals have a right to live, but I don't want to go for beers with them... unless they're buying -- and if they want anything from me they better throw in dinner too. It's easy to get laid at a fast-food restaurant. Brokeback Mountain is a gay flick, The Producers is a musical -- likely gay and Memoirs of a Geisha is a chick flick with a secondary gay audience. Lesbians are OK, I especially like the sexy porno lesbians. The militant dykes are fine, I guess.

THE END

Dating Within Your Pay Grade

2006-01-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

A good friend of mine has been havin' lady trouble as of late. We'll call him the City Dwelling People Eater -- to keep his identity a secret. It got me thinkin' about all the relationships I know of that are going well. Most of them are between people who began dating people in the same pay grade. Some of the couples have one partner making more than the other now, but when they started dating they had similar amounts of disposable income. Poor, rich and middle-class is quite a bit to have in common. Lonely or bored is not a commonality anymore than horny. I'm not talking about family income, but personal income.

So, I guess what I'm saying is money matters... at least at the beginning. In order to enjoy the same things like skiing or drinking means you have to have the same amount of cash to enjoy those things.

Once things get humming along, if one party starts to make more than the other it’s no big deal. The dependency issue goes away 'cause in the beginning you knew each other on the same financial level and likely had the same concept of what you want your future to look like. You know, like two kids working at A&W making minimum wage really get one another -- even if it's only 'cause you're trying to get to third base in the walk-in cooler. Later on, it's OK if one is a doctor and the other stays home a plays X-Box. If only I could be so lucky.

Oh yeah, it's only OK to date someone way younger than you if you are guy and need a hot piece of ass. You can only date someone of a different race if you truly believe it will bring about world peace and stop racism everywhere. And, you can only date someone who's married if you truly believe he's going to leave her for you.

Dark Pig Predictions for 2006

2005-12-29T19:25:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I am obviously a genius because all my 2005 predictions came true. I'm sure I wrote them down somwhere.

Here are my predicitions for 2006:

This will win the best picture Oscar http://ldopa.net.nyud.net:8090/wp-content/uploads/TheUltimateShowdown.swf
Keven Federline will prove he is more than a man-whore. He will prove he is a greasy, talentless man-whore. [in 2005 this was speculation -- he's gonna' prove it]
Serena Abroad will post some steamy photos in the Urban Cannibal's comments area
The Cannibal won't notice 'cause someone made fun of blogging on TV and now he's too cool to blog
The Pope... the good one not the German guy... no not Hitler.. the German pope... fuck, I'm not talking about Hitler or the current pope. Pope John Paul Part Deux will rise from his grave and slay a goat in Lethbridge, Alberta (that's in Canada folks). This will be taken as a sign by the Mormons that it's OK to start drinking...
A bear will speak, but it will happen in a forest and no one will hear it... the bear will be accused of being a mute
I will have that underwear dream again, but this time it won't be a dream.
People will stop finding me on MSN with searches like butt stuff with hug cock -- what the hell is a hug cock? Who the hell is Hugh Cock?

Happy New Year Piglets!

The Tsunami II, Old-School Dads, Broken Valves, Fixin' It With Liquor

2005-12-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Well, another Christmas has come and gone chalk-full-o' disasters, liquor and heart burn. Including the Missus and I, we had seven humans and three dogs spending the holidays in our two-bedroom house. Mix that with Tsunami II because of the pressure valve blowing on the water heater Christmas Eve... the start of the only 36 hours that North America is officially closed. The Muslim run convenience store where Spankey valiantly found potato chips Christmas day being the only exception.

Luckily I have a heroic nephew who noticed the flood and an old-school dad who connected a garden hose to the pressure valve and ran it to the drain. 10 minutes later we were drinking hot, buttered rum and playing board games -- still able to take a hot shower. As Christmas Eve started coming to an end, Spankey and Mrs. Spankey lay down for a long winter's nap when the valve on the air mattress (it was supposed to be a good air mattress) blew.

PLLLT... HISSS

Mrs. Spankey: The mattress is leaking.

Spankey: It's not the mattress.

PLLLT... HISSS

*Joke courtesy of Leons Furniture

Anyway, the futon was quickly converted to a bed and no complaints were laid by the Spankeys. I have a pretty laid back family. They had been sedated with liquor throughout the day... maybe that helped.

A five AM Mrs. Dark Pig and I were giggling like school girls -- even though she still refuses to dress up like one -- sneaking down stairs and stealing our stocking that had recently been hung by the chimney with care. Of course, we were caught in operation stocking-gate by Mrs. Spankey, who then stole the Spankey stockings and the number of kids aged 30 and over who were giggling doubled -- but not so loud as to wake up mom and dad.

The rest of Christmas was a mixture of eating too much and drinking just enough to keep everyone sedate and comfortable.

Boxing day, Dad and I went to Home Depot and got a new valve for the water heater... a $15 fix for which a plumber would have charged $75 to $150.

I'm off to the electronics store to beat-up a nun to save $10 bucks on a TV I don't need.

Not a creature was blogging...

2005-12-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

From my sty to yours, Merry Christmas.

Yeah, I went there. I put the Christ into X-mas.

Boo ya'

Hey, Unicycle Guy! You're Trying Too Hard

2005-12-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Unicycle Guy,

I know you need a way to get to work, but don't you think that unicycle makes you look like a pretentious ass. Do you think that maybe you are looking a little too hard for something that makes you unique.

Unicycle Guy: Mornin' Urban, how was the train comin' from the suburbs?

Urban Cannibal: 'grumble'

Unicycle Guy: My unicycle ride down 14th avenue was a real treat. You should get yourself a unicycle. They're good for the environment and... hey what are you doin'

Cannibal gives Unicycle Guy a good cock punchin'

Unicycle Guy: Why me? I'm a unique and beautiful snowflake.

So, get over yourself Unicycle Guy. What your doing makes me want to hit you with my SUV and kill the rest of your stupid clown family. Based on my last statement, don't you think you should buy a helmet?

I know unique and unicycle both use the prefix uni- from the latin ūni-, from ūnus meaning one. Well, if a UNIcycle makes you UNIque, then ūnus makes you an anus, from Pig Latin nus-a, meaning Giant Ass.

Your need for attention is making me sick. Don't get me wrong, riding a bike to work is noble and a great way to stay in shape. Riding a unicycle during December in Canada makes you a fuck-nut who clearly never had a friend or a mommy who loved him. The answer to your search for meaning is therapy, sell you fuckin' unicycle and pay for an hour with a shrink.

Key Word Update:
Hey Parents, lock up your children. If they spell Quidditch with one 'd' they could run into the Dark Pig. I'm number three on MSN when you type play quiditch into the search engine. I'm number five when searching for emmanuel lewis... of course I'm number one when searching for pig boobs.

P.S. I want to make fun of this guy, but I can't. It's the most honest piece of teen angst I've ever seen. http://soccerboy17dos.blogspot.com/ Man, is he ever gonna' delete the shit he's writing in six months. Advice for Rico: Fuck Sarah's friends... that'll make her like you.

Happy to be White, Male and Middle-Class

2005-12-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I don't think I spend enough time thanking God for creating me as the other white meat. You'll notice I even said God with a capital 'G' 'cause I'm one of the chosen ones and get to decide who's is right and who is wrong when it come to God versus Odin -- fuckin' Romans are always shovin' Odin in your face. Uh, oh I'm off topic again before I got started; I'm guessing you're all used to that by now.

Back to being white, male and middle-class. Ha! Ha! my life is good. I am white and have never been kept down because of the color of my skin. I stay up at nights wondering how much more I make than the girls who get paid less than me for doing the same job. Oh yeah, memo to the hobo who told be to go fuck myself for spending a $1.50 on coffee instead of givin' you a quarter... I'm warm and comfortable, paying too much for high-speed Internet and you're beggin' for change in order to buy smack.

The only time I felt a tinge of sexism was by a female manager who felt obligated to promote women. Guess what I did about that, I easily found another job and now make more than her.

Life is unfair... but I feel like I'm on the winning side. Say what you want about the 'Man'; I like him 'cause he's me.

So to all my white, male, middle-class friends take a minute today and thank the big guy that your biggest problem is figurin' out how your gonna' fit a bigger TV in your modest, two-story, three-bedroom house.

...

...

...

In case any of you are wondering if I'm kidding. Nope! I love being privileged... I really, really like being able to afford name-brand beer and the high-quality rum. Anyway, I'm off to the liquor store in my SUV... 'cause I gotta' be me!

P.S. Yesterday I ate at two gluttonous buffets in the same day.

As Seen on TV... or The Magic Bullet Part Deux

2005-12-03T14:57:00.001-07:00

Hello Piglets,

For years and years I swore I'd never own the crap they sell on infomercials. Now I know why my mom taught me not to swear. By the way mom you didn't really get that lesson through my head. I'm still known to drop the occasional F-Bomb... but only when absolutely necessary.

Faithful Readers: Jesus Christ Pig, you're already off topic. Tell me more about the shit you own.

Pig: Sorry faithful readers -- you are my everything. If weren't for...

Faithful Readers: Holy Fuck, get back to it.

Pig: Sorry.

Anyway, last week two television specials entered my pig sty... and they weren't the kind of specials where Blossom talks to Six about how you only have sex for the first time once and it better be good. They were the kind of special items that were, previously, only available on TV.

The first item is a set of Bowflex Select Tech Dumbbells. Now the funniest thing about these is the DVD that comes with it. Tom, a personal trainer who is almost, but not quite as irritating as the Canadian Tire guy, makes Josh struggle trough multiple reps all while touching the body-building stud in a way that Emmanual Lewis would encourage you to say No! Go! and Tell someone you trust. Other than the gay undertones, they are a high quality product that I really like. It's just too fucking weird. Sorry mom.

The other TV item that has recently entered my house is The Magic Bullet. Get your head out of the gutter, I'm talking about this one. This was a gift from Skannk and the Cannibal. I listed Skaank first 'cause she's the thoughtful one. Cannibal is the drunk one. It has also brought me great pleasure with its long and short cup, its hallelujah hummus, sorbet and tasty banana pancake recipes.

With two big hits in a row I'm seriously pondering purchasing a pair of Blue Blockers.

Key Word Update
Someone found my site while searching for a baby jesus butt plug...

12/03/05 00:05:54
baby jesus butt plug (MSN)

Society has hit a new low.

Strong Silent Type More Appealing than Informed, Well Rounded, Handsome Friend

2005-11-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

"I heard of a man - who says words so beautifully - that if he only speaks their name - women give themselves to him." Leonard Cohen

The Urban Cannibal seems to have managed this with the simplicity of the brilliant Gone Fishin'. After the incredible Hardcore Hairy blog written by yours truly has garnered critical praise from sexy Serena Abroad "pig, you've outdone yourself!" The simple Gone Fishin' seems to have garnered more comments than Hardcore Hairy.

Well before you all start screaming about how brilliant "Gone Fishin'" is, know this! The Urban Cannibal is a thief and a plagiarist. He stole Gone Fishin' from me! I originally wrote it August 19, 2005 as recorded by Blogger.

I know what yer' gonna' say.

You: But Pig, Gone Fishin' is just a sign hung by every gun store-owning, hill billy or city doctor who ever wanted to take a Tuesday afternoon off. You stole it from Cletus Banginmysister.

Dark Pig: Go fuck yourself. I had an original thought. I'm no thief. The Cannibal stole it from me.

You: A little defensive don't ya' think?

Dark Pig: Maybe I'm just a little jealous that the Cannibal is more popular than me. We both stole it from Cletus.

You: Give me a hug.

Dark Pig: Thanks.

You: Stop humping my leg.

Hardcore Hairy and the Goblet of Desire

2005-11-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

So it looks like the latest movie in the Hairy Potter saga is filled with sex, sex, sex. I'm convinced that when prom night occurs Hairy will be be asking the Dark Arts teacher, this time played by Ron Jeremy, where the clitoris is and attempting to bust Hermione's hymen in the back of Ron's flying car. Unbeknownst to Hairy, Ron got there first during a drunken one night stand while they were all fifth year wizards.

Hermione: Oh Ron, put your wand away and do me like a Muggle.

Back to the Goblet of Desire: This movie differed from the others as the plot line used to be 1. Go back to school 2. Get into trouble 3. Play Quiditich 4. Worry about Lord Vader... Voldemort. Now, they play Quiditch first, then go back to school -- that was a hair pin turn I didn't see coming.

My Readers: Please Piggy -- get to the sex.

Me: Maybe we could kiss first? Play with yer' boobs a little. I thought you liked foreplay? Alright... here's the sex.

For me, the best part of the latest movie was the change of director's. It was brave of J.K. Rowling to turn the helm of her series over to Spike Lee and give him the opportunity to make Yellow Fever (The much anticipated sequel to Jungle Fever).

Hairy falls for a pretty Asian girl but gets shot down and ends up having to settle for a foursome with Ron Weasly and the East Indian Twins. Meanwhile, Hermionie falls for a Russian draft horse after reading about Catherine the Great in fourth period study hall. Who knew her studious ways could get her in so much trouble?

Later, after the big dance Hairy pays Farmer Ted a dollar to look at French girl's underwear.

Even later, another French girl teaches Ron how to kiss, Hairy Fights the same guy he's killed three times and pretty boy, Cedric Diggory dies after performing some buggery on the girl who turned Hairy down earlier. I think he had aids anyway so the blast from the wand that kills him probably solved years of pain.

Oh yeah, dark time lies ahead.

The End.

The Race For Salvation and the Baby Jesus Butt Plug

2005-11-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I'm back and I'm sure you have all missed me terribly.

All: Tell me about the trip Piggy. Did you beat Oprah?

Piggy: Oprah's time was 4:29:20... Mrs. Piggy and I ran the Marathon from starting line to finish line in 4:25:00 according to the computer chip on our shoe... but our clocked time is 4:29:40 'cause we didn't even get to the starting line until five minutes after the race started (38,000 runners will do that). Depending on how look at things I either creamed Oprah's ass or she kicked me in the nuts and called me a little girl.

The entire trip was somewhat religious. It started the day before the Marathon when we took and Circle Line cruise around Manhattan and floated past the head office for the Jehovah Witness's... door-to-door canvassing must be working 'cause New York real estate ain't cheap

During the marathon a preacher on the microphone told me about another race that was going on at the same time. The Race For Salvation. I didn't sign-up for that one because there was no free t-shirts or pre-race pasta meal. According to the preacher it was some kind of endurance run... he definitely used the word endure.

Soon after passing the preacher we ran through a neighborhood and saw some Hasidic Jews.

Dark Pig: Look honey, Hasidic Jews -- just like the guide book said.

Mrs. Dark Pig: Fuck off, I have a bubble cramp.

Anyway, the race ended and we were promptly given an medal and a bottle of water. The next day I ate this sandwich. Holy Shit, what a tasty sandwich.

The next truly religious experience wasn't experienced for a few days when the Mrs. and I went to a comedy club in The Village. A comedian told me about http://www.divine-interventions.com/. You can place an order online for a Baby Jesus Butt-Plug or Jackhammer Jesus.

On our last evening, we saw the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular which ended with an interpretation of the birth of Christ. Having seen many interpretations at Catholic School I kinda' knew the narrative. What I couldn't figure out was how the hell they got a real Camel on-stage.

Camel: Do-dee-do. I'm a Camel. I love the desert. Hot sun. Big fucking beach. I'm happy. Hey what the fuck are you doing with that net. No, I don't wanna' go in that truck. New York? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm a Camel... what the fuck am I gonna' do in New York. Oh, titty shows. Sure, I could go to New York.

Anyway folks, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Hey Cannibal, I got to pay American prices for Comic books. Fuckin eh.

That's all for now.

Start Spreadin' the News

2005-11-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I'm off on another adventure... this time for play instead of work. Mrs. Dark Pig and I are runnin' the New York Marathon. I'm hopin' to run it as faster than Oprah 4:29:20. I'm thinkin' I'm more in the P. Diddy range of 4:14:54. He might just be Diddy now, which could shave some time off his personal best 'cause he doesn't have that nasty P weighin' him down.

After the marathon were gonna' walk around a giant city for week, ask hobos for directions to major tourist attractions and try not to get robbed.

So good luck and God speed piglets -- think of me as D. Piggy Runs' the City November 6, 2005. My next post should appear the weekend of November 12.

The Magic Bullet

2005-10-31T16:40:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

The Magic Bullet Theory was subscribed to by a much wider audience than I initially thought.

I was at a company party on Saturday and was searching for a neutral topic of conversation.

Pig: Hey have you guys seen the Magic Bullet?

Two women gave my wife a look of pitty then quickly looked away.

Pig: What? You know... the little blender.

The tension at the table is now replaced with relaxed laughter.

It turns out the Magic Bullet is some kind of dildo. How the hell was I supposed to know that? What the hell kind of people am I working with -- and how come I'm not invited to their parties?

A quick search on the Internet also taught me the Magic Bullet Theory is also related to the Kennedy assasination.

So there you have it folks... I don't even need to try to kill the mood at a party... blender, dildo or Kennedy assasination -- which Magic Bullet is for you?

Take this job a shove it!

2005-10-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

Hey Urban Cannibal... you laughed at me for buying a lottery ticket -- fuck you. Guess how much of my lottery winnings I'll be sharing with you? You guessed incorrectly the answer is zero.

Hey boss man -- fuck you to. I don't need yer' stinkin' job 'cause I won the lottery. I'm gonna buy me a big fur coat and some gold rings. I need a Cadillac Escalade with some spinnin' rims and some bitches. Saddle up soldiers 'cause were hittin' the town.

Oh yeah. Hey old friends -- fuck you! I'm gonna' start hangin' out with classy people now.

I got three numbers in the big lotto draw. I'm ten bucks richer than I was yesterday. Hello easy street. Yeah I want gravy on my fries... don't worry about the extra charge baby, I got ya' covered.

Nose Pickin', Jolly Green Giant

2005-10-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I'm back from Long Beach and full of both deep fried and grilled Mahi Mahi fish tacos. I didn't find any oyster burgers, but I had a hard time convincing the people I was dining with that it was a noble cause.

I got hugged by George the Greek and drank beer at a pub with 250 beers on tap. They didn't have a ring game where you throw a ring at a tap and drink a beer from the one it lands on. Maybe they didn't think of it -- or maybe it's illegal.

Anyway this blog is about my plane trip to Long Beach 'cause that's what I remember. I left home-sweet-home at 6:30 AM Sunday morning was seated beside the nose pickinest, booger rollingest man ever. This grossed me out a little so I scampered off to the toilet. After peeing I put on some chap stick, fumbled and dropped the tube in the toilet. The sign said not to flush foreign objects, but I did anyway 'cause I didn't really want it back.

I had a quick stop over in Seattle, where I felt obligated to get a coffee. Turns out Seattle's Best is a real brand that tastes good and isn't just the shit they serve at convenience stores... wadda' ya' know.

I jumped back on the plane for the remainder of the flight. The booger guy was no longer beside me. He was replaced by a giant. The man in the economy seat next to me was a million feet tall and super-duper huge. Needless to say he kinda' took up part of my seat as well. I woulda' said somethin' to him if it wasn't fer' his huntin' cap and hillbilly grin.

So this nightmare trip makes up for the hot girl, the booze and sleeping pills from my last trip... You win some -- you lose most.

Long story short: I flew away and now I'm back.

Fish Tacos and Oyster Burgers

2005-10-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

This title of my little blog probably will not deter any of the porn mongers who have recently been finding my little piece of the web through msn.com's search engine, but what the hell -- this is actually about fish tacos and oyster burgers.

I am off on another business trip next week. I'm showing off the company's wares at a trade show in Long Beach, California.

The guys I work beside travel throughout the USA on a regular basis (gold status frequent flyer regular). One of them, we'll just call him Jeff to protect his identity, swears that the fish taco kicks ass for the lord -- once, I think he said "You're going to California, you should try fish tacos." See what I mean, he won't shut up about them. Anyway, I've only had the kind of fish taco that makes high school boys laugh. This put me on an internet search for sea food restaurants in Long Beach California. After browsing the menu I found they also sell oyster burgers in California. I also found out fish tacos are mexican food and not sea food -- I had a 50/50 chance.

It turns out the little rhyme my brother taught me is true... eatin' ain't cheatin'.

Anyway, I'm off to Long Beach for fish tacos and oyster burgers - giggle.

You should all hear what the rest of the world thinks a beaver is.

P.S. Kudos to the most orignal way to find me through a search engine goes to the guy searchin' for space hillbilly porn (MSN).

Playing With Myself

2005-10-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I learned a lesson this weekend and if I end up in court I'm sure they'll see I feel remorse for what I did.

This past weekend was Canadian Thanksgiving -- a time when Canadians give thanks a month earlier than their American neighbors. We tend to arrive at these conclusions a little sooner than our pals in the U.S. -- see WW II starting 1939.

Anyway, I am off topic. On our yearly road trip to see my folks my dear wife and I generally stop at the Tim Horton's, a national Donut Franchise, and grab a coffee for the road. The price of the two coffees came to $2.80 so I paid with a ten dollar bill. I wanted to ensure I had a five dollar bill for something I was going to need later. Anyway, the young lass behind the counter took my money and paused. My hand was rummaging through my pocket counting coins. She couldn't see that from her side of the counter -- but she jumped to the coin counting conclusion (nice alliteration) all on her own. All she could see was a hand rummaging in the pocket/groin area. Before asking the cash register how to make change for $10.00 she inquired, "Looking for change?"

I had three dollars in my pocket, but decided I really did want the five dollar bill. So, I replied with a "no"...

The poor girls face dropped. She quickly gave me my change without making eye contact and handed me the coffee.

It wasn't until I made it to the car when I realized, if my hand was rummaging through my pocket whenI said that I wasn't looking for change, then poor coffee girl must have thought that I was playing with my manhood.

Summary: Don't play with yourself at the donut shop.

Gratitude and Iron Maiden

2005-10-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I have a wife I love, a job I like, hobbies, I'm fairly fit and I have money in the bank. Ha, ha, my life is good. If anyone feels bad... ha!

Anyway, I have the above mentioned things to keep myself fulfilled, yet I am not. I have suburbanitis. For some reason I know I should feel grateful for what I have -- but I'm bored and I like to bitch about stuff.

Now why is that folks. I mean a 40 year old guy with a terrible pony tail and an Iron Maiden sticker on the back of his 1989 Dodge Voyageur drove by and he was happy as a pig in shit. There he was singing along to Run to the Hills with his ugly kids. He turned off at the trailer park blissfully unaware his power will be cut off any day now?

The best I can figue is gratitude is directly linked to Iron Maiden

Shit. Go figure.

Bubble Gum and Comic Books

2005-09-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I know I normally write about stupid shit like doing lines of the crack of a hooker's arse, but today is different. It's soap box time, so let me clear my throat as I feel the need to preach.

Comic books are the best thing to happen to story telling ever. While television and film continue to attempt to rehash the same old shit, comic books continue to find geniuses among us. When the other mediums can't find a decent idea, they turn to comic books and steal the story line and make a butt-load of money. I'll include anime in this rant 'cause if you give it a chance you'll see it's come a long fucking way since Astro Boy.

This isn't a rant about Comic Books that are now movies, 'cause some of the best stories will never be movies. (to be fair I wouldn't have known about Road to Perdition or A History of Violence if it weren't for the movies)

There is some great stuff out there you should at least try. Don't cry at the $20 price tag on most of this stuff... it's got hundreds of frames of art and some of the best writing you are gonna' find.

At least follow the links and read the synopsis. Imagine the creative mind that would even think of this stuff.
WE3
30 Days of Night
Bone
I Feel Sick

Maybe I'll bitch about something useless next week.

Oh yeah, Bubble Gum is awsome. It's chewy and sweet and you can make bubbles with it. Let's see a bag of chips do that bitch.

Read a book!

Pig Sex

2005-09-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

For a little while I found it funny that people were finding my little blog using kinky key words. Then I thought how far are people digging to find me... page 20 on google is hardly something to be proud of, so I thought I'd check.

I went to msn.com and typed pig sex into the search engine.

I'm #1.

I'm #1.

Do you all remember how proud I was to come in third in a team running race. Well that doesn't fucking compare. I'm number #1.

Hey HoT_pIg_SeX_811's Xanga Site your #2. You are a useless piece of shit. How does it feel to be second best at pig sex.

...
...

That didn't sound right.

Anyway as of September 27 I am also #1 at pig porn on msn.com. That's right I'm ahead of pigporn.com (warning: actual Porn Site).

This is weird people... creepy weird.

On another note. A Chinese guy rang my doorbell at one AM on Saturday night asking to buy cigarettes. I only smoke when I'm drunk and the cigarettes come from other people. I was drunk, but the Urban Cannibal doesn't smoke. Anyway, I yelled get off my land you little fuck. The chinese guy ran away.

I thought that was kinda' funny, 'cause I always wanted to yell get off my land -- and it was odd a stranger would ring my doorbell for no reason except with the hope to buy some smokes.

For all the events that happened before the Chinese man rang my doorbell on Saturday night... read the Urban Cannibal's blog.

Pre-mid-life-crisis

2005-09-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

My good friend the Urban Cannibal prepares himself to start scoping out young girls again, while pickling his liver and wondering where it all went wrong. (God, I hope he trades in his Honda Civic for something that attracts 20 years olds with perky breasts and tattoos in places I dare not mention -- it's the vicarious life for me.)

I, on the other hand, just spent three-fucking-thousand dollars on a new Furnace and Sweet-ass humidifier (am I using too many hyphens). This thing is gonna' attract the ladies. It's the sleek, new Armstrong Ultra Air Five.

This bitch hums.

The Attached Thermolec 600 Humidifier kicks ass for the lord. Think that's it bitches... check out my new White-Rodgers, digital, programmable thermostat.

Are you wet yet?

Fuck ya' -- who's your daddy.

You could have had this life too Cannibal, but you chose to throw it all away. If you ever wanna' borrow my furnace, just bring the bitches over and pretend it's yours. It's like Gin my friend. The Aluminized steel in-shot burners with sound reducers practically makes the ladies' panties fall right off.

Think about it.

The True story of how I met my wife -- watch until the end of the credits.

Fuck You Participant Ribbon!

2005-09-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, you... yeah you Participant Ribbon. Go fuck yourself. I don't need you anymore.

Today I achieved Bronze status and I don't need to be rewarded just for showing up. No one can take third place away from me.

This weekend I ran in the Corporate Challenge 10km race and our company’s team came in third place. Not fourth. We didn't receive points just for coming out. We received points for being the third fastest group.

I've never been the third best at anything, until now. I'm gonna' call every company that finished after us and leave a message that says, "Way to go. At least you tried."

Burn!

I have a bronze medal on my desk -- and I'm gonna' wear it to meetings. Hey Larry, how'd the darts team do -- ouch sixth place, did ya' hear we got bronze in the 10km.

Fuck you Participant Ribbon. I don't need you anymore.

Key Word Update: This is how people discover the Dark Pig
Last 20 Keywords:
09/19/05 12:18:10 fat bridesmaids (MSN)
09/17/05 11:40:28 pig sex (MSN)
09/16/05 21:41:58 pig porn (MSN)
09/15/05 21:02:42 pig porn (MSN)
09/15/05 20:46:37 pig porn (MSN)
09/13/05 21:47:14 pig sex (MSN)
09/12/05 18:51:12 pig sex (MSN)
09/12/05 15:44:29 porn ladies of vancouver (MSN)
09/12/05 05:58:18 pig sex (MSN)
09/11/05 00:00:30 young porn dark (MSN)
09/10/05 15:45:22 pig sex (MSN)
09/02/05 12:01:27 pig ass (MSN)
08/28/05 15:21:11 ladies of Wal-Mart in porn (MSN)
08/29/05 13:34:02 pig sex (MSN)
09/08/05 16:30:48 gay pig sex (MSN)
09/09/05 23:33:44 pig sex (MSN)

Important: Watch this http://www.slackcircus.com/~fabadam/fsp_101.mov

Does a wrong than a right make a right?

2005-09-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

So I was at ye' olde' hillbilly wedding this weekend and I have been flip-flopping on an issue since my attendance. Oddly it has nothing to do with my cousin being the most attractive bride's maid. I am proud to report neither Spanky nor myself attempted to get any cousin lovin. See we are good people.

....

....

or are we?

So Spanky and I were sittin' on a pew waiting for the bride to skip down the aisle. There's only one book to read in a Catholic Church and I know how it ends. So I was forced to find another way to entertain myself. Luckily a hot young vocalist was playing the keyboard, wearing a skirt and sitting like a man. Through a miricale of digital photography I took a few pictures and quickly showed my dear brother on the camera's display screen. He got a laugh, I got a laugh and a young Catholic girl's crotch has been immortalized in cyber space.

So why do I feel so right about this?

'Cause I didn't post the picture people. I could have, but I didn't. I only sent it to the Cannibal. Just one person. I did kinda' the right thing.

Anyway, I don't feel guilty about taking a panty shot in church. Way to go me!

Hillbilly wedding

2005-09-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

So this is my last post (not the trumpet solo) until next week. I'm off to a hillbilly wedding. You see I have one of those insanely common last names like Jones, Smith, Mohamed, Schultz etc...

Well it's caught up to me and now one of my cousins is marrying someone with the same last name (who I am assuming is not another cousin - 'cause I've never heard of her before now). Last I heard there won't be any guns, but I'm hopin' for some moonshine and one of those crazy out of control uncle wedding fights.

Summary of why I feel like a hillbilly: Going to a town called Kamloops -- main industry is the Sawmill. Cousin [enter name] is getting married to a girl with the same last name. Gonna' get drunk with my dad and brother. I have a Seven hour drive to convince them to go possum huntin'.

It's gonna' be a blast... and no sarcasm is meant in that statement. I've been looking forward to this all summer. I love hillbillies and family trips... but for some reason I hate hobos?

Maybe we can get into my hobo hatin' next week.

Keyword Update: The latest person to find my blog using a search engine was looking for gay pig sex (MSN). Kinda fits with the hillbilly topic?

Dentists Office is Like a Casino

2005-09-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

A few months ago I went to the dentist to get my tusks cleaned. They preached to me about flossing and how they’d love to see my insurance card more often. After the chit-chat a hygienist started cleaning my pearly whites. Everytime the she reached to the far side of my mouth her breast would land in my eye. It was, of course, covered by the sexy medical scrubs that generally make a woman’s body look like a rectangle, but it was a boob all the same.

I didn’t feel an ounce of pain the entire session as I was focused on finding ways to fondle this gift with my eye lids. “Blink, Blink” Oh Baby!

I walked out of the dentists office feeling that I would normally have to pay about $80.00 for that at Yee Olde’ Massage and Release Parlor. I got a freebie. An eye fulla’ sugah!

Today I went for another visit to finish my cleaning. I was pumped. We started with a little chit-chat pretending we didn’t know where this was heading.

How are you? Are you flossing?

Oh yeah baby, you bet I am.

She started cleaning… but she kept talking. She told me about her family, her baby that was on the way, the trouble with living on one income, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Long story short, my dental hygienist just saved $80.00 on a shrink. I felt cheated and screwed over.

Just like the casino, if I win… I’m guaranteed to lose the next time I go.

I'm a Jack Ass

2005-09-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Just in case ya' didn't know I can be a Jack Ass. Normally I'm your run of the mill, didn't mean any harm kinda' Jack Ass -- but other times I'm a little embarrassed by my insensitivity.

I work for a company that sells the majority of its product to the education market. (Beware, I write for your children's teachers.) Anyway, I created this cool little flash project that gained the attention of a University in the the USA. They wanted to link to it from their website. It took me a week to get back to them because of my little business trip. I sent an e-mail stating that they could link to the project.

My e-mail to the university bounced back. Holy crap, they work at a school; don't cha' think they could get their own damn e-mail address right. I tried a different e-mail address... dammit' it bounced baclk again. Well screw them. If they can't maintain the e-mail servers then I don't want them linking to my little project.

Long story short... the interested University was Tulane University in New Orleans. I had no idea where they were located or what a difference a week could make.

Anyway... look before you leap. I feel like a dick head.

Inappropriate

2005-09-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

So, it's the Friday before the long weekend and I'm standing outside the Smoke Doors with a colleague and one of our co-workers joins us. She explains she just attempted to give blood, but was denied because there was not enough iron in her blood. She was then allowed to sign a ledger stating she gave blood and points were awarded to our company towards the Corporate Challenge.

This led to a conversation on reasons why people are not allowed to give blood. I jokingly mentioned I can't give blood 'cause of that one time I shared a needle. We laughed.

Then I mentioned I might not be able to give blood because of the hooker I had sex with this morning. The two males laughed. The female ignored us.

My colleague mentioned he couldn't give blood because he just had rough, unprotected anal sex and would be having it again right after leaving the blood donor clinic. I laughed; our co-worker was a little shocked.

I mentioned a strap-on could hurt.

My colleague mentioned that it was not a strap-on to which he was referring and it was clearly gay, anal sex. Our co-worker then left in disgust.

Was it inappropriate for our company to be given points towards the corporate challenge even though the woman in question could not give blood?

Pizza by the Meter

2005-08-31T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Just go my photos back today from Melbourne. Very few of them turned out, but luckily the most important one did.

You can order Pizza by the meter in melbourne... for those of you not on the metric system yet -- that's like 150ft of pizza. This picture represents 1/2 a meter of pizza!

Eat on piglets... eat on.

Take Candy From Strangers

2005-08-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Long time no Oink. So, I’m sure you are all curious how this little piggy did down-under. Uh, it was fine. I went to a trade show, I glad handed a bunch of Aussies had a few drinks and pined for drip brewed coffee.

What I really want to talk about is taking candy from strangers. A day or so ago I was on a plane that was ready to take off from Oz to North America.

Yay! I was out of clothes – time to come home.

I was given a center seat in economy class on United Airlines; this meant it would be hard for me to make it 12 and-a-half-hours without a stranger touching me. Lucky for me on my left was a foreigner who barely spoke English. He offered me his pretzels by pointing at them and then at me. I quickly took them and pigged them down. I hope he wasn’t just having problems opening them.

On my right was an attractive young girl from Vancouver. Now, this pig would never stray from his dear wife – but an attractive girl on your right is better then a fat guy who smells like sausage… uh, beef sausage. Anyway, we got to talking as we flew home, we looked at her digital pictures on my laptop – then she offered me a sleeping pill. I imagine the correct answer is supposed to be no, I don’t take drugs from strangers. My no came out sounding like “Yeah, but do you wanna’ have drinks first.” To which a young girl sitting next to a pig should say: no. But her no came out. "Yeah, great idea!" Anyway, a few drinks later and a sleeping pill I slept through the entire flight and arrived in North America with very little jet lag.

The only bad thing that happened was that my luggage was lost in San Francisco as it tried to make it to the plane heading for Calgary.

Long story short. Take candy from strangers. It’s fun to go to work without shaving.

Are you growing a beard?

No, my razor’s in San Francisco.

For those of you who are wondering...
Yes, I still have my wallet, passport and credit cards.

Key Word Update: (These are how people are finding the Dark Pig)

29/08/2005 13:34:02 pig sex (MSN)

28/08/2005 15:21:11 ladies of Wal-Mart in porn (MSN)

25/08/2005 13:40:37 pig porn (MSN)

Gone Fishin'

2005-08-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I know how super popular I am and how you all love me. But, today is my wife's birthday, tomorrow I am insanely busy and next week I am away on a work trip to Australia.

Don't feel bad... I'll be back - I might even try to blog something stereotypical from Australia where I say G'day Piglets... but no promises.

It may be the 29th before I am heard from again.

There is lots of oldies but goodies you can read... stuff about meat, homosexuals, jewish popes and fights with Denmark. There's even a slutty picture of my dog if you go far enough back.

I'll be back soon, so wipe away your tears... and maybe you'll get a very special blog from down under.

Pope Preaches to the Converted… or Does He?

2005-08-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

So, His Popeness was in Germany today preaching to a bunch of Catholics… He spoke a little about how great it is not to dip his rod in the ladies. He spoke about how God loves us… as long as we don’t have other gods n’ stuff. He mentioned something in German that sounded foreign to me ‘cause I’m not German. I think he tried to convert me to become a German, but I said no ‘cause I think VWs are only OK cars and I don’t like ladies who don’t shave their armpits.

Nothing particularly exciting about a German Pope visiting Germany… shit he may have stopped by his mom’s house to say hello… maybe not ‘cause he’s old and his mom’s probably dead. No word if he had time to spit on Hitler’s grave?

So, nothing really special happened until he said "Visiting a synagogue is close to my heart…”

What the holy hell… I think the pope is a Jew. No wonder Israel is pulling out of Gaza, they just took over the Vatican. Other stuff that points to the Pope being Jewish include him skipping the late John Paul’s tradition of French kissing the ground and the wind toppling the world youth day cross.

So there you have it. I didn’t see it coming either, but what a coup d'état for Judaism to get a Jew in the Vatican.

I might be wrong, but if I’m not… you heard it here first.

Future Looks Bleak

2005-08-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

If you think the children are our future… think again.

3-5% of School Aged Children have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)

30.3 per cent of children aged 6-11 are overwieght.

Aproximatley 5 to 10 per cent of the polulation has some form of Dyslexia.

49 percent of highschool seniors reported using marijuana in 2001.

5+30+10+49= 94%

That leaves only 6 per cent of kids drinking underage and have crazy sex, they way it was when I was a kid. We’re in for a world of hurt folks… kids are stupid, fat and high and they are entering the workforce. Only 6 per cent will have a tolerance for drinking a three martini lunch and the social skills to pick someone up at 2 in the morning while barely able to string together a sentence. If this is the future, I don’t want to be a part of it.

Please write to the politicians in your area. Let them know you are aware of the problem and you want something done about it.

Wal-Mart Unable to Bully Third World into Producing Gasoline

2005-08-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Wal-Mart continues to make record profits, but blames the price of gas for the slow growth of those profits. Yes, you read that right. Wal-Mart’s profits continue to grow; they are just growing slower than they would like.

I called a Wal-Mart executive to discuss the problem.

Dark Pig: Hello, I was wondering why making billions more than you made last year was a problem?

The Devil: (evil laugh) Can you hold a second, my ass is sticking to my chair made of gold and I have two whores on my lap that just won’t move.

crackling

Dark Pig: You seem to be breaking up. Hello.

The Devil: Yeah, I’m still here. These cheap $10 phones, you know how they are. Since we started using that distributor with the six year old laborers our telecommunications has been pretty shitty. You know how it is: laborer at six, manager at eight.

Dark Pig: So, uh, how ‘bout them billions in profits?

The Devil: (evil laugh) Yes! And we would have made more too if the Africans would just allow me to process their livers and intestines into an efficient clean burning fuel source for our shipping fleet.

Dark Pig: Uh, is that ethical.

The Devil: Holy crap, it’s not like Enron screwing over shareholders.

Dark Pig: Harvesting organs is more ethical than hurting shareholders?

The Devil: What are ethics really?

Dark Pig: The study and evaluation of human conduct in the light of moral principles.

The Devil: What are principles really?

Dark Pig: A rule of good behavior.

The Devil: We’re Wal-Mart goddamit. No pig is going to question me. (evil laugh)

Silence

Dark Pig: Are you still there?

The Devil: Uh yeah.

Dark Pig: I’m gonna’ hang up now.

click

So there you have it. Wal-Mart is growing slower than expected because of babies in Africa.

Promises to Pull-Out Never Go As Planned

2005-08-15T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Israel drove to make-out point with Egypt, as was the trend in 1967. What started out as a friendly first date turned into a 6-day war. During the struggle Egypt gave in a little with her patented Gaza strip, but promised to go no further without a wedding ring.

Not wanting to fully commit to the relationship, Israel promised to wear a security barrier as a ploy to claim more territory.

Egypt was not agreeable to the idea but lacked the strength to push Israel off. Claims of date rape have been filed with the U.N.

The U.N. has agreed that Israel’s occupation of Egypt is an illegal action. But, even with the support of some friends, Egypt has not been strong enough to end the relationship.

In a less then perfect arrangement, Israel has agreed to remove the security barriers and pull-out. With the security barrier removed there is still a risk of spillage. With the spillage it is likely that some damage will be done and the two parties will need to find a way to co-exist at least for the next 18-20 years.

*Completely unrelated: I've been googled. Someone searching for "My Top Fell Off" found me. I am officially porn... hip, hip, whore-eh!

Etiquette

2005-08-10T16:18:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

I was takin’ a dump at work today and someone walked into the can. I was in the stall and I assume the other guy was at the urinal ‘cause I could hear him peeing. Anyway, before I unload, I need to fart. I don’t want to because there’s somebody in the bathroom with me, but I need to. My fart begins with a ‘pftt’ and I squeeze my sphincter together in attempt to silence the beast. I think to myself maybe he didn’t hear.

I’m not finished farting. The gas knows there’s only one way out and it’s ready to escape. It’s wonderful my fart wants to flee the confines of my bowels because I, quite frankly, don’t want it hanging around my intestines. But, the timing isn’t great. Then I think this is a bathroom, I should be able to fart in here. I release the beast with a ‘PLLLLTTTT’. I follow it with a verbal ‘Ah’. Right after I fart the turtle leaves his shell and hits the bowl with a splash. I’m not proud to say that a little of the toilet water sprayed my sweet ass. I wipe and I’m ready to leave the stall. But there’s a problem, the guy who came into the bathroom earlier is still there.

I don’t want to meet the guy but I’m curious as to how it took him the same length of time to take piss as it did for me to pinch-one-out. I zip up my pants and open the stall. I take a subtle peak around the door. I’ve never seen the guy before and I’m not sure how to handle the situation. He’s just kind of standing there, he’s not peeing anymore, he’s just staring at a stall door. I say “good morning” without making eye contact and begin washing my hands.

Almost 30 seconds later my new friend is now at the sink beside mine washing his hands. Why is he just washing his hands now? This guy is obviously a jerk. I turn to the paper towel dispenser and begin drying my hands. He finishes washing his hands only a second after I do. It didn’t take him very long; he couldn’t have done that good a job.

He needs to get to the paper towel dispenser but I’m in the way. He starts to reach over my shoulder to grab a paper towel and some of the pee water on his hand drips on my shoulder. This grosses me out a little and I release a verbal 'ekk.'

Now, I think this guy is a jerk and he’s gross. Luckily, his pant leg is touching my ass. I flex my abs a little and fart on his leg. He quickly turns his head towards the mirror and sees my face looking at him. I allow a slow grin to creep across my face and say “excuse me.”
Anyway, I’m not sure what the actual bathroom etiquette should have been throughout this situation but I’m open to opinions.

Did he need to pee so loud I could here it… there are no extra points for peeing directly on the urinal cake?

Should I have to silence my farts while sitting on a public toilet?

Was the the verbal ah too much?

Should I have said good morning?

Should he have washed his hands better?

Does anybody else think there’s pee on my shoulder?

Was it wrong to fart on a strangers leg?

A Very Special Blog

2005-08-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Piglets,

If you are too young to remember the shows I am about to list, it is important you follow the links and learn about them. This is TV history and if you don’t learn your history, you are doomed to repeat it.

I miss very special episodes on television. I miss learning about all the strife Blossom went through wondering if she should let Jimmy get to second base. Years later a coworker let me feel her up in the cooler at the A&W. I didn’t wash my hands after; so someone got a burger that was touched by a hand that just touched a nipple. Lucky.

I miss Alex P. Keaton teaching me that Mallory’s diet pills were bad for me, even though they were a prescription. Oh yeah, I also learned diet pills are just as good as speed. As this episode was written in Hollywood nobody mentioned that there was no need for Mallory to take diet pills in the first place… maybe we should have looked into the ethics of her doctor.

I miss Diff'rent Strokes and Gary Coleman preaching to me, with some help from Nancy Reagan, about how harmful drugs are. I then watched Todd Bridges and Dana Plato spiral into a drug induced obscurity. I still smoked pot in college... and I inhaled... and I did it more than once... and sometimes it helped me get laid.

I miss every single episode of Little House on the Prairie in which someone went blind or a barn burned down. I don't know what I learned... don't drink windshield washer fluid and set fire to the garage?

I miss you very special episodes.

Thank you so much for reading my nostalgia. As a reward you may watch this video: http://www.alldumb.com/item/11575/

Nothing pissed me off today.

2005-08-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Nothing really picked my ass today. Instead of blogging about some terrible injustice, I have written horoscopes for everyone.

Aries: You are a sheep. I know you think you are a ram, but it’s simply not true. Watch out for farmer Ted because he’s been talkin’ about your sweet, sweet ass.

Taurus: You are a cow. You will feel indigestion this week in one of your many stomachs. Chew your cud and you will feel less like the disgusting cow that you are.

Gemini: You are twins. Maybe you and your sister would like to go out with me for drinks sometime. Don’t worry about that camera, I’m not filming us.

Cancer: Your symbol is crabs. I think they have special shampoo for that, See a doctor. (Your wife knows you didn’t get it from a toilet seat -- see a lawyer too!)

Leo: My wife’s a Leo. If she reads this and I’ve said anything bad she will kick me in the nuts. I love Leos… please don’t kick me in the nuts.

Virgo: Slut.

Libra: You kick ass for the lord. God has blessed you. You are funny and good looking. Everyone wants to touch your wang.

Scorpio: You are mediocre. You will never get promoted beyond middle management and you know it.

Sagittarius: You shouldn’t drink so much. The other girls in the office think you are a dyke.

Capricorn: This weekend you will get nailed to a cross and miss all the good parties. You will then be resurrected just in time to go back to your crappy job.

Aquarius: Pinko Commie Fag. Get off my land hippies!

Pisces: You smell like fish. No man will ever want you.

Careful With Your Definitions, Fag

2005-08-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Turns out they call cigarettes fags in the UK. This is funny to North Americans ‘cause “can I bum a fag” has a completely different meaning to us. It’s semiotics folks… although I think the Europeans call it semiology. Some people swing both ways (that was a gay joke).

Semiotics/semiology is the study of signs, including text. It’s a theory that states words have no meaning unless the culture (or sub-culture) agrees on its meaning. For example, throw another fag on the fire is pretty scary term to the homos in the Southern US states.

Alright, we’ve covered the background information we need for this blog and I can start bitchin’. Recently, Canada became the third nation in the world to legalize same-sex marriage. This is not a big deal to me because if people want to get married that’s one more open bar that my bachelor uncle can attend without getting nervous. And, maybe he’ll learn how easy it is to pie a bridesmaid – I’m not sure the gay term for banging a bridesmaid. Booya, Uncle Gaylord got hammered. See hammered can have two meanings at a gay wedding with an open bar.

Here’s the problem that Canada’s run into only a few months after same-sex marriage was legalized, the law doesn’t say the same-sex couple getting married has to be gay. So, these two straight guys from Toronto have decided it would be a good idea to get married for tax purposes.

From bill C-38 as passed by the House of Commons: Marriage, for civil purposes, is the lawful union of two persons to the exclusion of all others.

The bill also says that it’s a lawful union to exclusion of all others? So, how do we define exclusion? These two straight guys say they’re still gonna’ try to grab some tail from the ladies – although I’m on the fence regarding how much luck I think they’ll have. That’s not exclusive. Should they be able to get a divorce due to infidelity? How will we define infidelity? I don’t want the government in my bedroom unless they’re bringing some candles and a ball gag.

But, I’m also married and now I’m a little offended. I was fine with queers getting married until these two yahoos in Toronto decided to screw with the new law. So how do we fix it? Do we change the definition back to a lawful union between a man and a woman. I say yes. A woman wouldn’t fuck with the definition like this and she sure as hell won’t let you screw around without taking the house and the car.

Let’s give the homos their own type of marriage called Gay-Marriage that will allow them to adopt and take advantage of a partners benefits and pension plan. Anybody who is of the same sex can take advantage of this new Gay-Marriage, but they’d have to call themselves gay and apply for a Gay-Marriage license . Two drinking buddies from Toronto are unlikely to call themselves gay… although they may call each other gay.

“Hey Fag, wanna’ go for a beer and get Gay-Married.”

“Beer yes, Gay-Married… it’s gonna’ take a lot of beer”

Everything is the same, except we don’t call same-sex couples married; it must be called Gay-Married. Why? ‘cause sometimes you don’t get everything you want. Heaven forbid you don’t get to use the word married to describe yourself. As a matter of fact, I’ll stop getting hammered and calling the Urban Cannibal a Faggot, if the homos give the word married back to the straights.

Dark Pig: Fuck you, Faggot.

Urban Cannibal: You wish.

Dark Pig: Who told you?

Female, Minority, CBC Employee for Governor General

2005-08-06T06:26:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,
I know we don’t want to believe it, but the Governor General is technically Canada’s head of state when the Queen isn’t busy spending nine million of the tax payer’s dollars every time she visits just to wave and not say a word. Anybody else think all that inbreeding has retarded her speech? (P.S. I know the Prime Minister has the real power of the electorate but Paul Martin is just a Muppet until we find an actual leader.)

Enough about retarded Queens... Adrienne Clarkson is currently Canada’s Governor General. She’s best know for blowing wads of cash, giving herself three raises, having a crappy show on CBC, getting verbally bitch slapped by a 15 year old and this great anagram.

Now a new Governor General is coming our way and she’s really hot for 48. Michaelle Jean is gonna’ be the boss of us Canada… and here’s hoping she puts out. What does Michaelle have in common with Adrienne Clarkson… they were both on CBC, they’re women and they’re minorities. What does this mean? Nothing really, they are both probably smarter than any hillbilly who would have a complaint with the female, minority thing. I just wanted to start a fight. The CBC thing picks my ass a little. (for my foreign readers, the CBC is Canada’s public broadcaster). Adrienne Clarkson’s goal was to increase the awareness of Canada’s culture and heritage and what did it get us… in a survey of 25 countries we ranked 18 in culture and heritage. We ranked second or third in every other category.

So what does someone who trained with our national broadcaster do with 20 million dollars a year to market our heritage? I wish I had a cute answer.

So, to our soon to be Governor General Michaelle Jean… you’re one hot MILF but maybe we should leave the role to an actual diplomat.

Not related to the above story: Click here to puke -- http://batangpatuloynanabubuhay.blogspot.com/

Happy Anniversary Atomic Age

2005-08-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

This week marks the 60th anniversary of the Atomic Age. That’s right… on August 6th 1945 the US dropped The Bomb. It’s a day when we decorate the A-bombs in our living room and children unwrap uranium rods left in their deformed stockings by Harry Truman.

The A-Bomb has left us a wonderful legacy of Actual Atomic Tourism sites.

Atomic Bomb Dome: This week the Angry Mutants are playing The Third Eyes in hot playoff action.

Chernobyl – Tour the world’s worst nuclear disaster area, and then join us in the lodge for vodka and caviar.

And a few virtual sites:
Three Mile Island – The Beaches are never busy. No fishing please.

And the soon to be National Museum of Nuclear Science and History

Imagine the gift shop.

This weekend, everybody raise a glass of radiation! Happy Anniversary Atomic Age!

Hollywood: Bad at Making Movies

2005-08-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hello Piglets,

Looks like Hollywood’s whining that ticket sales are down at the box office. They’re blaming piracy instead of the more obvious culprit terrible movies, high ticket prices and cheap DVDs.

Notice that I’ve listed terrible movies first. That’s because the average Hollywood pitch session goes something like this.

Guy Pitching Movie: How about an action thriller starring Will Smith as a police officer who’s trying to avenge his brother’s death. We’ll make it a prequel to the Wesley Snipes’ Blade series , ‘cause people love prequels. Wesley Snipes could be the brother, so he’s not really dead, but a Vampire. Charlize Theron has already agreed to take off her shirt.

Executive: I like the cut of your jib. Here’s 150 million dollars.

Here’s the problem. I already saw that movie every summer for the last 20 years. If I want to see Charlize Theron with her top off, I’ll rent everything she’s done… ever.

Meanwhile on the set of Mighty Joe Young

Charlize Theron: Whoops. My top fell off.

Director: Dammit. This is a Disney movie. Put your titties away.

Instead of bitchin' about it, I’ve decided to abuse my high profile position as an Internet blogger and make a pitch.

The Slaughter House Rules

Me: There’s this French Canadian pig. His skin is a little darker than the other pigs and he’s really big. Not giant, but like top 10% of all pigs big. Anyway, these guys are gonna’ slaughter him until this other guy shows up to rescue this Dark Pig. This rescuer guy wants to save pigs ‘cause he’s a cannibal and likes to eat people and not pigs. He’s not one of those backwoods, pinko, butt pokin’ cannibals; he’s really modern and lives in the city… he’s an Urban Cannibal.

The cannibal and the pig jump on a train that’s passing the slaughter house. They have all kinds of adventures riding the rails and killing hobos… ‘cause hobos eat pork and beans and that pisses the Dark Pig off. The cannibal likes to eat people.

Oh yeah, the pig say ‘groin’ instead of Oink ‘cause groin is French for oink, and it’s almost a dirty word in English so it’s funny on two levels. The pig will have subtitles when he groins (*oinks), the cannibal will eat people and Charlize Theron will take off her shirt.

If there is enough interest, I’ll start writing the script on Thursdays or Fridays in this space (I can’t commit to just one day ‘cause I’m lazy). We’ll call it The Slaughter House Rules and it’ll be an origin story so there is a zero chance of a prequel...

Let me know if you are interested my Piglets.

Human Race… Not So Good at Flying

2005-08-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

HEY! Human Race! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. You suck at building flying machines.

It all started with that idiot Icarus who decided he could wax a bunch of feathers on his arms and fly to the sun. What a noble pursuit. What would he have done if he made it, slap on the SPF 30 and hope not to burn?

Now the NASA has decided they should use the $20.00 repair kit their dad bought them at Home Depot to fix the space shuttle.

Shuttle Crew: Houston, the shuttle’s broke.

Houston: Don’t worry we’ll e-mail you Space Shuttles For Dummies and use a giant robotic arm to hang you helpless in space by your ass. Once you're out there, use the hammer and some wood glue to fix the shuttle.

Shuttle Crew: The shuttle’s made of wood?

Houston: Uh, you’re breaking up. I’m driving through a tunnel.

Finally, we’re touting the pilots of Air France 358 as heroes even though they failed physics. In case you haven’t heard, the Toronto Air Port told a couple of guys that it was no problem landing a 500 ton plane on a slippery runway.

Pilot: Yippee! We’re on the ground… uh… Why aren’t we stopping?

8 year old passenger: ‘cause water makes shit slippery.

Pilot: (nervous laugh) Oh.

Summary: Smarten up human race. Shit is complicated! Stop thinking everything is gonna’ go off without a hitch, or supply the world with helmets, ‘cause crap keeps falling out of the sky.

Öh those Germans…

2005-08-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

As of August 1st those crazy Germans are changing the way they spell stuff – and they’re not happy. The new rules are intended to simplfy the language and avoid misunderstanding. For example, using the current spelling David Hasselhoff actually means sexy monkey. The new spelling Dävid Hässëlhöff will establish the true meaning: Talentless Dork.

Not buying crappy music will put millions of dollars a year into the pockets of German citizens which will be better spent on blunt objects they can hurl at the once popular Hässëlhöff.

Hässëlhöff’s statement to the media was a simple, “KIT, pick me up. Looks like my career’s in trouble.”

A Book for All People is Really More of a Booklet

2005-08-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

The Jehovah's Witnesses came by my crib the other day. My dear wife answered the door and was a victim of a drive by praying the handed an alleged book. Then, like Michael Landon in Highway to Heaven, the Witnesses were gone.

When I arrived home I saw A Book for All People cluttering the kitchen table with the pizza coupons and carpet cleaning advertisements. I immediately thought sweet, “I’m people. This book is for me.” I was astonished when I lifted what I thought would be a tome and immediately recognized it as a booklet. It was less than 50 pages, made from cheap news print and bound by staples.

This is not the astonishing “Book” I was promised by the ethnically diverse colour cover. That’s right a white, black and East Asian person all together on the cover – how promising. But sorry India; go back to praying to Ganesh because apparently you aren’t part of the Jehovah’s Witnesses “All People.” To be fair to Watchtower press, they may have another booklet featuring an Indian gentleman or lady on the cover.

Long story short, I was disgusted by the filthy lie told by the Booklet’s cover – yeah I said it… your so called book is just a booklet Mr. Jehovah, if that is your real name.

So, if you are really looking for a book for all people, I recommend Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I personally am waiting for the movie, but I know it’s about 600 pages and definitely meets the criteria to be a book.

Sexy Boots Give Simpson Super Strength

2005-07-31T06:02:00.000-07:00

Video evidence proves that something is providing Jessica Simpson with an unearthly strength. In the popular music video These Boots Are Made for Walkin’, Simpson is seen easily opening a door that was previously welded closed. That door belongs to the infamous 1969 Dodge Charger – the General Lee. Scientists have several theories on the uncanny strength demonstrated by Simpson but not enough empirical evidence to send the hypothesis to the tabloids. I have published the theories here:

The first theory presented by Dr. Charles Bannerman is that her sexy boots give her some kind of super strength. He points out there is a long history of women with coquettish boots who have super strength and could easily rip the doors off the General Lee. Bannerman’s list included Wonder Women, Super Girl and Rogue from the mutant team the X-Men. When challenged that none of the women listed were real, Bannerman became agitated and left the interview.

The second theory is that Simpson is the anti-Christ. Rev. Peter Page explains that she had originally risen from the depths of hell to steal the soul of Nick Lachey. Upon listening to the boy band 98 Degrees she found out Lachey’s soul never existed. In her anger she has decided to stick around and steal the soul of every man on the planet by hypnotizing them with what some claim is "The Best Rack Ever."

And, the third theory is that Simpson is a sexy space alien. Her inability to comprehend the world around her is a clear sign she was not raised on this planet. The constant broadcast of her video also acts as evidence she may be trying to take over the world without violence by showing there is no one on earth who can match her super strength and Mother Earth should just bend to her will.

Theories continue to pour in.

Google Fails

2005-07-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

A Google search for "Dirty Ho" rendered disappointing results Saturday morning.

This writer was looking for his dose of Porn in the morn – to replace the ever worsening Saturday Morning Cartoons – when Google failed him.

Rather than looking at Barely Legal Teens, I was forced to learn the plot outline to Hong Kong Cinema’s Dirty Ho.

"The 11th prince (Chia-hui) tries to keep from getting killed by the 4th prince, who fears the 11th prince will become king instead of him. To kill the prince, he hires a ruthless general played by Lo Lieh."

Using Google's image search was equally upsetting when my search for a "Big Ho" merely rendered images of T-Shirts that were for sale on the website of Canada's only popular sit com ever – Corner Gas.

America Declares War on Drought

2005-07-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

Drought has kicked America right in the bread basket and it’s not happy.

The attack rocked America’s Midwest and has left its onions small and shriveled. President Bush quickly responded by declaring a War on Drought. Bush stated. “Although we are concerned about fighting another arbitrary war while fighting the War on Terror and the War on Drugs, America has a fighting army and we are up to the challenge of a three-front war.”

No word yet on the war on poverty. One hungry child stated, “I understand Mr. Bush’s need to expend resources fighting nouns like Terror and Drugs.” He then licked the fly off of his face for the protein and prayed for aid at some future date.

Bush stated, "If drought attacks America on our soil then I will take the fight to the countries with driest climates." He then ordered another 100,000 troops be sent to Iran’s Dessert Hills. "America is in the War on Drought for the long haul and will not remove its troops until drought creating nations like Iran agree to produce more humidity."

IRA Declares Victory as UK Pubs are now open 24 hours

2005-07-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

The Irish Republican Army has issued an order for all its members to abandon violence and put down their weapons. The announcement comes only months after new licensing laws were implemented to allow pubs to apply for the 24 hour liquor licenses.

While celebrating the law at the local pub, an IRA spokesperson claimed they will destroy their weapons. When probed on how they will prove that their weapons have been destroyed, the spokesperson began the search for credible witnesses just as a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew walked into the bar.

According to the BBC only the Protestant and Catholic were invited to the destruction ceremony because “…’dose bouys can pound ‘dem back eh.”

At the pub, when the Jew was asked to comment he responded with a nonsensical, “Hey bartender, why the long face?” The bartender, a horse, gave a weak smile and continued cleaning glasses.

Acme Shuts Down Space Shuttle Program

2005-07-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

NASA successfully launched the space shuttle Discovery in spite of their stupidity on July 26, 2005.

Hours later NASA has grounded the shuttle program.

The shuttle program is grounded due to falling debris from the Discovery. Unsure how to stop the shuttle tiles from peeling away, NASA scientist decided to ask Mrs. Jensen's 3rd grade class. Timmy "Nose Picker" Thompson stated, "Duh, try not using glue, turd blossom. They can make a sink with no seams between it and a counter top and you can't make a space ship without gluing a series of Teflon frying pans to the belly.” NASA responded with a terse "Shut up, I'm telling."

Since the death of James Doohan --Star Trek's Scotty -- on July 20th, NASA has been paralyzed without their Chief Engineer. According to NASA officials, it was Doohan who first brought the Acme model space shuttle to their attention. One source stated, "We all thought he was a babbling idiot when he said that we could simply strap a plane to a giant rocket and launch it into space." After years of testing with coyotes, Doohan's hypothesis turned out to be true. Since Doohan's death they've have been unable to find another, little known, Canadian actor to pick up the slack.

In other Canadian and shuttle news, Canada rejoiced when the giant 50 ft, robotic Canadarm was used to make sure more crap wasn't falling off the shuttle. Canadian Prime Minister Jarome Iginla was quoted as saying "NASA is filled with suckers. They paid us a crap load of money to build an arm that can lift things in space." Further research indicates Canada's town drunk was given the task to build a forklift that could lift no pounds in the zero gravity environment of space. Town Drunk claimed that lifting zero pounds is easy and advised us to ask his wife who has not gotten off her fat ass in years. Other people who claim to be able to lift zero pounds include Steve Hawking and the late Christopher Reeve.

Juan Simons, NASA Janitor, is confident they will launch another shuttle if they just smarten up and stop using technology first used in 1981. NASA engineer Wally Smarterthanyou states, "There is no need to upgrade the technology. Space Invaders was released in 1978 and it's as popular as ever. God I love blasting those crazy little aliens."

Girl Fight

2005-07-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

So Canada and Denmark are ready to rumble over Hans Island. Turns out, Hans Island is a little piece-of-crap island that defines fishing boundaries and not where Chewbacca hides in the Millennium Flacon when Captain Solo comes home drunk from the Cantina and wants a bit of Wookie tail.

Han: Hey Chewie, get over here so I can lick yer’ big walkin’ carpet.

According to Dose, Denmark and Canada have been going back and forth to Hans Island replacing the other country’s flag with their own, then getting drunk. The Danes have been leaving empty bottles of aquavit – which sounds like some kind of pansy drink you use to hump boys at the neverland ranch – and Canadians have been leaving bottles of whiskey – which is manly and used to get hammered good and proper.

Anyway one recent comment from Peter Taksoe-Jensen, who is Danish ‘cause all Canadians have cool last names like Boba-Fett and Canadians spell Jensen, J-o-h-n-s-o-n which is a slang term for wang and a proper last name. Anyway the Danish guy said "We consider Hans Island to be part of Danish territory and will therefore hand over a complaint about the Canadian minister's unannounced visit,"

I’m making this up, but I’m pretty sure Canada responded with an “Uh, Uh… No you didn’t!” and then slapped the Danish Guy's Wife. The Danish Guy's wife then slapped Canada and ripped of her shirt so only her bra was covering her supple Rocky Mountain boobs. Canada then started to pull Denmark’s hair and pulled off her skirt. The fight went on for some time until both countries started panting. Then they kissed. It was pretty hot.

So anyway, if you wanna’ pick a fight with Denmark or Canada you just need to get drunk and claim an awesome fishing spot.

I used to know nothing about Denmark, but now I think they’re cool ‘cause there’s nothing like getting hammered, fishing and watching chicks make out.

I like 1950s porn...

2005-07-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

So I wasn't even born in the fifties, but if television, some guy's dad's porn collection and my best bud's dirty DVDs aren't lying to me then I love 1950s porn.

Women in the 1950s had super rocket boobs and were just plump enough that they had hips. When they sat down, their stomachs folded just a little.

Remember Britney Spears in Baby One More Time, she was still jail bait then but she had just a tiny bit of fat around her mid-section that made her sexy. She stopped eating for a while and got slutty... most recently she's gotten fat. What, she's pregnant... whatever -- she probably ate a baby. Dude shut up, there is no way my Britney would screw Federline. Shut up it's not true; she did not hump that grease monkey. See what you did, you got me off topic.

Where was I... Oh yeah, Britney Spears ate a baby in the 1950s and now she's immortal. What -- whoops.

Summary: I like 1950s rocket boobs, women with hips and just enough fat around the mid-section that they look like women. I wish the androgynous look went out with the wet look.

Don't eat babies.

THE END.

Locked out, on strike or uninformed

2005-07-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I don't work for the phone company and I'm neither for or against unions. 'Round my neck of the woods a bunch of guys are on strike or locked out from their jobs. They basically listen to people whine how they can't pay their bill 'cause they spent all their money on blow and hookers.

Not the point, the union guys built a website that basically says were the good guys and were fightin' fer' justice. Not southern justice, which would be cool, but the regular kind of pay me $25 and hour for what an Asian kid would do for a nickel kind of justice.

The phone company, filled with executives, had a meeting. The executive salary is probably worth millions of bucks and they all have lots of education they didn't even have to buy online. One executive walks in and says. (P.S. This is just an opinion, so don't sue me 'cause everybody knows it's not real)

Executive: Peterson, let's block that website from our internet subscribers
Jr. Executive: (peeling his lips of bosses arsehole) Sure thing boss, I'll block the website from all our customers.

Camera pans to picket line outside:
Teamster: Holy crap! My Blackberry can't see the union website. I'll call the media in ten minutes, right after my break.

20 minutes later

Teamster: Hello are you the media?

Media: Yes. Say what... I'll tell everyone that the phone company is blocking your Internet site.

So, now I know that this site is blocked. Don't get too excited that you have the link now. I thought the phone company was blocking some juicy, christmas-party porn where a manager tries to hammer some up-and-cummer [sic]. It's just a bunch of text and some heavy set people getting the excersice they so badly need, while walking a picket line... now you can see it too.

So what was the executive thinking? We're governed by the CRTC... the same people who govern the media. Our employees will never call the media, they're glib. -- I said glib 'cause Tom Cruise called Matt Lauer glib and I wanna' be hip.

So the phone company has now helped the union with it's cause. Somebody needs to fire a boardroom full of executives, except they can't 'cause the workers are on strike or locked out and no one will be there too answer my call when I complain about the price of blow and hookers if they fire the executives.

Don't hate the playa'... hate the game.

2005-07-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

So the Urban Cannibal wrote about the Grand Theft Auto whoop-dee doo. Not only should you read what he wrote ('cause it makes me laugh) http://urbancannibal.blogspot.com/, you should also take the opportunity to view the computer generated porn posted on his blog.

I don't think I've been this turned on since I saw Jane Jetson sitting on Mr. Spacely's lap... boo ya'.

John Carlisle must be a handsom man

2005-07-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

Would John Carlisle please give this woman his meat stick... she's making me a little sick.

There should be rules about what you can publish on the Internet

2005-07-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

This is a piece of meat I ate.

My dog is slutty.

2005-07-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

Look what the media did to my dog! Curses to Brittney Spears and her hot pants and her crazy hillbilly sex with that federline kid.

If she lived in a double wide trailer like she's supposed to this wouldn't have happened.